One of my favorite authors, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, once said:
"...human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves."
I have reflected on these words many times throughout the years, especially in regards to my eating disorder. But, in the past, I often used this quote to negatively inspire myself. It fit perfectly. I could be reborn. I could change everything. I could alter my course, suppress what I ate, sculpt my body and emerge skinnier, better, more beautiful. I would be me, only better. I would be me, only perfect. Searching for this perfection became an all-encompassing obsession that ruined my life. I refused to believe that "perfect" was unattainable. I reached one weight loss goal only to set another. Before long, the number on the scale didn't even matter. Unless it flashed back 0, it wouldn't be good enough.
Is it good enough now?
A lot has changed since I've been in recovery. My body has changed; it's gotten bigger. It's gotten stronger. This was enough to convince everyone who knew me that I was also better.
"Better. Synonyms: convalescent, cured, fitter, fully recovered, healthier, improving, less ill, mending, more healthy, on the comeback trail, on the mend, on the road to recovery, out of the woods, over the hump, progressing, recovering, stronger, well". (http:thesaurus.com)
In other words, all former symptoms and issues vanquished. Anorexic no more!
If only it were that simple.
One does not go from Anorexic to Formerly Anorexic so easily. There is a long period of transition. A great chunk of time to think and reflect and heal and cry and eat and struggle and starve and struggle and fight and celebrate and lose and love and win. A lifetime of great, marvelous, continuous rebirth.
The quote is still one of my favorites, but I see it now for what it is: a celebration of our imperfections. An urging to grow, to try, to change and be changed. It isn't about being perfect at all. It's about doing the best with what we're given-- it's about making the decision to adapt to any obstacle-- and to grow because of it.
I may never be fully recovered, but I've come far enough to know that I am never going back. I will never treat myself the way that I once did. I am not perfect now and I never will be. Finally, I'm okay with that.
Are you?
Stop chasing perfection.
You won't find it.
Stop punishing yourself.
You are beautiful now. In this moment.
Right now.
You are good enough.
You are worthy.
You don't have to pull it together to begin recovery. You don't have to lose 10 lbs to begin recovery. You don't have to get a whole lot worse to "deserve" recovery.
You just have to let your body speak. Not your mind, your body. Your heart, your organs, your skin and blood and stomach and hands and feet and bones. Your body, the one you're hurting, the one you're depriving, the one you're neglecting, the one you're killing. You have to let it speak.
And then you have to listen to what it's telling you.
Showing posts with label anorexic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anorexic. Show all posts
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Recovery Process
I spent the day feeling fat.
It is funny how even pre-eating disorder, when I was at my heaviest weight (still much heavier than I am now), I don't remember feeling fat this often. Back then, I was only self-conscious of my body around other people. I thought that they would judge me or think I was fat. Now, I continue to feel fat and unattractive even when I am the only person around. Thankfully, these feelings come and go. They are much less frequent than they were before I started the recovery process. I call it the "recovery process" as if it's something I have applied for and am now waiting to hear back from. I make it sound very business like and very clinical, but that's not my intention. For me, recovery has been the complete opposite. It has been full of life and emotion (though not always good emotion). I have avoided doctors because I don't trust them. I have avoided proper therapy and conventional eating disorder treatment (partly because I don't have health insurance and it's terribly expensive). So, I've had to go at this on my own for the most part, but I think it's working out okay. I've been asked before how recovery works. It's not easy to describe. It's as if my eating disorder controlled my every thought and every action for so many years, then, as time went on, it slowly began to fade away. I don't want to make it seem mystical or supernatural. I fought to get rid of it and I'm fighting still. But I feel sometimes like I couldn't be anorexic again even if I wanted to. I feel like it's no longer inside of me. Other times I know this isn't true, like today, when I sit around calling myself fat and thinking I need to stop eating and go on a diet.
The truth is, I'm not sure how recovery works. I don't know why some people recover and others don't, why some people relapse more often than others, why it takes more time for some people to recover than others. I am figuring it out as I go. I just know that the life I live now is much healthier and freeing than the life I had when I was sick. That wasn't living at all. That was dying. I feel like my thoughts are my own again. It's very liberating. I don't like being told what to do.
That's all I know.
It is funny how even pre-eating disorder, when I was at my heaviest weight (still much heavier than I am now), I don't remember feeling fat this often. Back then, I was only self-conscious of my body around other people. I thought that they would judge me or think I was fat. Now, I continue to feel fat and unattractive even when I am the only person around. Thankfully, these feelings come and go. They are much less frequent than they were before I started the recovery process. I call it the "recovery process" as if it's something I have applied for and am now waiting to hear back from. I make it sound very business like and very clinical, but that's not my intention. For me, recovery has been the complete opposite. It has been full of life and emotion (though not always good emotion). I have avoided doctors because I don't trust them. I have avoided proper therapy and conventional eating disorder treatment (partly because I don't have health insurance and it's terribly expensive). So, I've had to go at this on my own for the most part, but I think it's working out okay. I've been asked before how recovery works. It's not easy to describe. It's as if my eating disorder controlled my every thought and every action for so many years, then, as time went on, it slowly began to fade away. I don't want to make it seem mystical or supernatural. I fought to get rid of it and I'm fighting still. But I feel sometimes like I couldn't be anorexic again even if I wanted to. I feel like it's no longer inside of me. Other times I know this isn't true, like today, when I sit around calling myself fat and thinking I need to stop eating and go on a diet.
The truth is, I'm not sure how recovery works. I don't know why some people recover and others don't, why some people relapse more often than others, why it takes more time for some people to recover than others. I am figuring it out as I go. I just know that the life I live now is much healthier and freeing than the life I had when I was sick. That wasn't living at all. That was dying. I feel like my thoughts are my own again. It's very liberating. I don't like being told what to do.
That's all I know.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Who says being vegan is hard?
It's actually not as complicated as most people think. And the good thing about going vegan is that it's healthy for your body, the environment, and the planet. For dinner tonight I made risotto with corn, tomatoes, and fresh basil with an avocado, grapefruit, and pistachio salad and fresh mint lemonade. Delicious and healthy. My boyfriend said it was restaurant quality which means a lot coming from a chef. But now there's all these dishes to do...
I have found that cooking has been an unexpected but very therapeutic way for me to recover from my eating disorder. I've had to learn how to eat healthily, which is something I never did, even before I was anorexic. I have been a vegetarian since I was a child because I couldn't stand the thought of eating an animal. I used to look at chicken nuggets and see nothing but the baby chickens my grandfather raised in his barn, the little yellow puffs of feather and fuzz that I wanted so badly to touch, not to eat. So I didn't. But for me, a vegetarian diet was not a diet of vegetables. I found myself eating lots of french fries, pizza, pasta-- all of those things that are indeed vegetarian, and often wonderfully delicious, but nutritionally invalid.
These days I have traded in my lifetime of vegetarianism for strict veganism. This means no meat, no fish, no eggs, no dairy, no gelatin, no honey. Apart from food, it also means no fur, no leather, no animal-tested cosmetics, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and no products of any sort that use animal by-products of any capacity. It's not as difficult as it sounds. I've been doing it for years and have had to change my lifestyle very little in order to accommodate it.
I am certain my jump to veganism was indirectly related to my anorexia, which, ironic as it sounds, has made me a healthier person. How? By being so conscious of everything I put into my body, I then became conscious of where my food came from and how it was made. I couldn't eat in restaurants because everything was so fat and calorie packed that it terrified me. So did packaged and processed foods. My solution? I didn't eat much, but what I did eat, I made myself.
It is weird to consider cooking as a means of dealing with anorexia, since as an anorexic, I barely ate at all. Instead, I would watch the food network for hours. I could taste the food in my mind just from watching it being prepared without ever having to taste it. I picked up lots of useful information along the way. Somehow I managed to learn how to properly feed myself in the midst of starving myself. When I actually began the recovery process and slowly started to reintegrate food back into my life, I found that cooking was enjoyable, and eating could be enjoyable too. This is what else I have learned:
Food is not the enemy.
Food gives our bodies the fuel they need to survive and to thrive in the world.
We are all so full of potential, each one of us capable of so many wonderful and unique things.
We can't do them while running on empty.
For a list of companies that do and do not test on animals, please visit:
http://search.caringconsumer.com/
For more information on becoming vegan, please visit:
http://www.veganoutreach.org/whyvegan/
I have found that cooking has been an unexpected but very therapeutic way for me to recover from my eating disorder. I've had to learn how to eat healthily, which is something I never did, even before I was anorexic. I have been a vegetarian since I was a child because I couldn't stand the thought of eating an animal. I used to look at chicken nuggets and see nothing but the baby chickens my grandfather raised in his barn, the little yellow puffs of feather and fuzz that I wanted so badly to touch, not to eat. So I didn't. But for me, a vegetarian diet was not a diet of vegetables. I found myself eating lots of french fries, pizza, pasta-- all of those things that are indeed vegetarian, and often wonderfully delicious, but nutritionally invalid.
These days I have traded in my lifetime of vegetarianism for strict veganism. This means no meat, no fish, no eggs, no dairy, no gelatin, no honey. Apart from food, it also means no fur, no leather, no animal-tested cosmetics, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and no products of any sort that use animal by-products of any capacity. It's not as difficult as it sounds. I've been doing it for years and have had to change my lifestyle very little in order to accommodate it.
I am certain my jump to veganism was indirectly related to my anorexia, which, ironic as it sounds, has made me a healthier person. How? By being so conscious of everything I put into my body, I then became conscious of where my food came from and how it was made. I couldn't eat in restaurants because everything was so fat and calorie packed that it terrified me. So did packaged and processed foods. My solution? I didn't eat much, but what I did eat, I made myself.
It is weird to consider cooking as a means of dealing with anorexia, since as an anorexic, I barely ate at all. Instead, I would watch the food network for hours. I could taste the food in my mind just from watching it being prepared without ever having to taste it. I picked up lots of useful information along the way. Somehow I managed to learn how to properly feed myself in the midst of starving myself. When I actually began the recovery process and slowly started to reintegrate food back into my life, I found that cooking was enjoyable, and eating could be enjoyable too. This is what else I have learned:
Food is not the enemy.
Food gives our bodies the fuel they need to survive and to thrive in the world.
We are all so full of potential, each one of us capable of so many wonderful and unique things.
We can't do them while running on empty.
For a list of companies that do and do not test on animals, please visit:
http://search.caringconsumer.com/
For more information on becoming vegan, please visit:
http://www.veganoutreach.org/whyvegan/
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