Me vs. Diet Soda: Status Update

So, a few weeks ago I made a vow to free myself from my addiction to diet pepsi.

(Was it really a few weeks? My God, it feels like years)

I don't know if it is an appropriate comparison, but I understand why my mother has never been able to quit smoking after all these years. The problem (by her own admission) is not that she can't do it, it's that deep down she doesn't want to.

When it comes to diet sodas, I don't want to.

They're so delicious.

I need them.

Right?

Ugh. This is harder than I thought it would be.

The good news is I haven't slipped yet. I have just wanted to. I have cut the number of cans I drink back by quite a bit. Most of the time I only drink 2 per day now: one as soon as I wake up in the morning and another sometime after dinner. There have been a few days that I drank three. There was one day that my boyfriend and I went out to lunch and I ordered a diet soda, drank it, had a refill, and drank that before either of us really thought about it. For the most part, I've been doing much much better.

But sometimes it's so tempting. Sometimes I dream about drinking like 10 in a row rapid fire. I have never done that before, and it sounds very unappealing to most of you I'm sure. And I wouldn't actually do it. I just worry sometimes that I'm trying to cut it out too quick. The point is, this is much much harder than I thought it would be.

I told my boyfriend in the grocery store today that I thought I was going to give up and go back to drinking as many as I want.

It's not alcohol, I said.

It's not a hard drug.

It's soda. Right?

He gave me the look he gives when I've said something ridiculous.

Okay, you're right, I said. I can do this.

Then we got to the soda aisle and diet pepsi was on sale. The sale of the century: three 12 packs for 10 dollars PLUS an extra 12 pack for free. That's 48 sodas for 10 bucks. Insanity. Who could pass that up?

Not me. So I bought four 12 packs.

But I'm going to stick to my plan of drinking two per day.

Who knows-- if I can stick with it, maybe eventually I'll cut back to one per day.

But I have to want to.

Yeah. I'm working on that part.

Diet soda is ruining my life.

I should go ahead and admit my undying love for diet soda. It is bound to come up sooner or later, and anyone who knows me knows how serious my addiction is. It stemmed partly from my experiences as a waitress in restaurants that give employees free drinks. But really, it spun out of control during the mania of my eating disorder. Like many others in the same position, I was attracted to diet soda because it has zero calories. I could drink it and not worry about getting fatter. Before long, it became my food. I wouldn't eat anything all day, but I'd drink 10 diet sodas to compensate. I have thankfully cut back, but I will admit that there is nothing, food or drink, that I crave more.

I've always considered myself a reasonably intelligent person. I am certainly intelligent enough to know the damage soda (diet or otherwise) has on our bodies. I eat healthily. I shop organic. I don't like packaged or processed foods. I don't like additives and extras. Yet I will still drink diet soda like it's my life source. I can't shake the stuff. Nothing beats an icy cold can with condensation forming on it. And then the first sip. I'm thinking of opening one right now.

I don't know how many I drink a day because I don't count anymore. My boyfriend is a total enabler. He knows that I need to have them in the refrigerator at all times. If we're taking a road trip, he puts some on ice for me. It all sounds so ridiculous and trivial. If I can kick anorexia, you'd think I could surely kick my addiction to diet soda. Right? Wrong.

I love this stuff.

Have you ever heard the warning that someone once dropped a nail into a glass of soda and after a set amount of time, the nail had dissolved completely? What is this stuff doing to my insides? To my teeth? As if bulimia didn't wreck them badly enough. And don't get me started on aspartame. Not to mention, do you know how much sodium is in soda? It's disgusting. And it's delicious.

I have had this problem with diet soda for years. I can giggle about it. (My facebook profile picture used to be me hugging a 12-pack of Diet Pepsi, my drug of choice). I can pretend it is cute. But what are the long term effects of this stuff on my body? The reality is nothing will ever be done about it if I don't try harder.

I don't want to commit myself to this, but I'm going to make a real effort to cut back considerably. This isn't like when my mother says she's giving up smoking. Or when my boyfriend says he's cutting out Oreos. They never follow through. I never follow through either, but this time I'm going to. I have to.

Ugh.