Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hiding, Coming Clean. Starting over.

There is only one real explanation as to why I haven't been blogging lately. I could lie to myself and say it's due to all the stress of moving (we're moving to Michigan in three weeks!) but that's not it. I am not blogging because I am not in a good place right now in terms of my recovery. I am not eating enough. I am losing weight. I am not proud of this, but one thing I have never been is a liar. Over the past year and a half, you, my beautiful readers, have become my friends. I respect you all too much to lie to you. Also, I love you enough to urge you not to follow my mistakes.

I know. That sounds messed up. It's like a parent who smokes cigarettes then warns their children to never smoke. It's contradictory. It's a little hypocritical. But it comes from a place of love. It comes from a place of, "I want to save you from making the same mistakes I've made. I want you to have a better life than I've had." In other words, I am human. Eating disorders suck. They are hard to recover from, but not impossible. Recovery is worth it. This disease doesn't have to be all-encompassing. I haven't forgotten that. I will always believe that. Even if, right now, it doesn't really seem like it.

Ultimately, I know that I need treatment. I need help. I cannot do this on my own. I am no longer too proud to admit that. I have avoided formal treatment for my eating disorder for the past 7 years. I like to blame it on my contempt for doctors (you can read a blog post I wrote about it HERE) but that's not the real reason either. The truth is simple: I don't want to give up control. Hmm. Let me repeat that:

I don't want to give up control.

At this point, "control" is such an eating-disorder buzz-word that it's almost lost its meaning. But, honestly, that's really what it comes down to-- I'm terrified of not being in control. Terrified. The thought of handing my life over to a staff of medical professionals makes my throat feel tight and my heart beat quickly. I get that little pit in my stomach. I want to hide, to run away. Basically, I want to keep doing what I'm doing, even though I know it isn't the solution.

Of course, you could make the argument that I'm not in control as it is-- that my eating disorder is controlling everything. While that may be true, I am more comfortable allowing my eating disorder to manage my life than a nurse or a doctor or a therapist or a hospital bed. It's not that I don't want to lose my eating disorder. I do. I just want to do it my way.

Obviously, my way isn't really working.

I know my life is changing drastically within the next few months: I am moving to Michigan, I am (at some point) getting married, we're looking to buy a house, I am starting a new job. And I realized that, for the last several years, my life has never been calm. I'm always moving from one state to another, starting jobs, quitting jobs, moving on. Changing. Expanding. I have never allowed myself to stay put and just to be. I think that would help a lot. It's time to stay put in one town long enough to make friends, to feel familiar, to redefine my negative definition of "home" by building one of my own.

On a side note, I'm thinking of tutoring once I get to Michigan for some extra income in addition to being a professional writer and a part-time makeup artist. I've been applying for teaching positions at colleges and universities, but none have worked out yet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. My hopes for Michigan are high. I've never been there and I don't know what to expect, but I'm staying positive. As cliche as it sounds, I'm going to let myself start over.

Fresh start.

New beginning.

All baggage left behind.

Can it really be done? We'll see.


  1. Hey lady!
    Thanks for the compliment on my blog. One of my goals/dreams is to do make-up for weddings/special events.

    Btw, where are you moving in Michigan? I live here!!! I live in Kalamazoo. Let me know. We might be able to hook up!

    :) Also, I have a new (2nd) blog, not sure if you knew.



  2. Your situation sounds scarily similar to mine - I'm at the point where I need help, because like you said, the control isn't in our hands anymore, it's in the eating disorder's. We need help.
    I don't want to give up control either - the thought absolutely terrifies me. Being told what to eat, how much to eat, what to do, what to wear, how to live. I don't want someone telling me how to be me, whoever me is.

    You're brave for coming clean. It's probably one of the hardest things to do, to actually admit that you're not yourself anymore, that you've been overwhelmed and overcome.

    I believe in you, whatever you do. Even if you don't believe in yourself.

  3. Your honesty is so beautiful - thank you for putting this out there. You've done this before; you can do it again. I believe in you! x x

  4. I have been thinking of you lately and wondering how you have been doing since you've gotten so quiet in the blogging world. I admit that I got a bit worried about you.

    Who says that recovering from ED is easy? I have been in that boat many, many times. I have denied my ED for over a decade. It has only been recently when I finally admit that I have an ED.

    Admitting that you need help is major! It is the first step to becoming better. Once you enter that mindframe; it is harder to abandon wanting to become better, and recovery becomes more appealing, I guess.

    I understand what you mean by changes. I've gone so many changes this year.The changes are there to show us that we are capable of bettering ourselves.

    Good for you to be honest with us. I appreciate this.

    We all are here for you. XXX

  5. Maybe, maybe this is the right time to "let be" with all the chaos of moving, expectations ... With all that, even with all that, this may be the right time.

    Hope you'r better.



  6. believe in yourself! you can do this. you are beautiful in more than just appearance, and don't let Ed take the "control" away from you ;) lots of luck! hugs, meg

  7. Don't make this just a fresh start.

    You know what I mean?
    I hope you keep us posted because we do not need you to be a role model of perfect recovery. We need your honesty, yoou know?

    Best wishes to you!!

  8. You are a role model.

    I'm struggling with bulimia for almost 7 years (hundreds of pounds gained and hundred of pounds lost) and reading you blog uplifts me.

    I'll be praying for your recovery :)

  9. I hope that you can do what is reasonable and DOABLE for YOU.

    It is always fantastic to have a fresh start, but that doesn't mean that the issues suddenly disappear. However, if it is a jump off point for you, GO FOR IT and I hope you are able to find a great deal of success in all avenues of your endeavors.

    I just wish that you weren't plagued with the beast of an eating disorder. You are very inspiring and I hope you do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself to do anything "out of your bounds".

    And hey - I live in the Midwest - just a state away from Michigan. It will be different from where you are at now. I'm a Cali transplant; but there is a beauty and reverence here that is undeniable. I hope it will touch you the way it's touched me.

    Be kind and gentle with you.

    Thank you for sharing your honesty, truths and light.

    Be well. :)

  10. I am SO proud of you for your honesty, girl. I have read your blog for a while and have been wondering where you've been. I'm sorry to see that you've been struggling so much.

    I am in a similar place as you. It's terrifying to feel like the control is out of reach, that you can't stop the behaviors on your own. I'm there too. I need help because ed is just too loud and too strong. I know you can seek out the help you need. It's the most scary thing in the world to think about listening to a doctor's advice over ed's opinion, but you are worth it. You don't deserve to be bullied around by your ed anymore. You deserve to be healthy and to give yourself a fair chance at being healthy, which might mean treatment.

    Keep fighting, you CAN do this!

  11. Every day, is a new day, to start over =)