Friday, November 4, 2011

Welcome to Michigan

I haven't written in a few weeks because I was in the process of moving all the way to Michigan. The fiance, the cat, and I are all safe and happy and tucked away in our new place here. The cat did much better with the move than I anticipated. When I moved from Las Vegas to the east coast, he had such a difficult time in the car. Moving is hard on everyone. There are still a lot of things left to unpack and sort out, but it's coming along. I started my new job a few days ago but I'm not sure I will be keeping it. The pay is great but it's very boring, not at all what I expected, and it's about a 25 minute drive. That doesn't sound like very far, but it's all these twisty little lakeside roads that will be hell to maneuver once winter comes. Living on the west coast for so long, I am certainly not used to driving on wintery roads! Plus, I drive a sports car. I am looking for jobs closer to where I'm actually living and I've had two interviews at one place so far. I'm really hoping it works out. I also plan to start tutoring and doing freelance work as well once I'm more accustomed to the area.

We have an apartment at the moment which is much much smaller than our previous one. It's a two bedroom but there's only one bath. The kitchen is tiny! I just tell myself that it's "cozy". It really is, in a way. We have a fireplace (which we haven't used yet) and a little pond nearby with wild geese and swans and ducks. We are on the first floor, which means our kitty can't go out and play on the balcony unsupervised, but there are evergreen trees around our patio which add some privacy. Plus, they're nice to look at. And there are lots of birds and squirrels living in them.

It's always difficult adjusting to a new area, but since I've moved to different states so many times during the last few years, I'm used to that. I do have a an issue with the concept of "home" which I have written about before. For so long I felt like I didn't have a home because my father passed away and my mother got rid of our childhood home and moved in with another man. I've been shooting around from state to state and haven't settled in one place long enough to create a home of my own. Now it feels like everywhere is home. Or better yet, everywhere is not home. I don't feel like Michigan is much different from where I lived before. It's all unfamiliar. It's all this uniform "non-home", this state of "otherness" that encompasses everything that is not the life I used to have. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it's made moving here easier.

Part of me wants to settle here. We don't have any foreseen plans for moving, but we are keeping the option open. Because of my fiance's job, we will be here for at least a year, but most likely a minimum of three. If we stay for the full three years, that will be longer than I've stayed in any of the cities I've ever lived in except my hometown. Then again, if we love it here, we could stay forever. My fiance wants to purchase a home somewhere outside the city. A forever home. That's a concept I'm not familiar with, but I'm open to. But it scares me, too. It's a big commitment. What if we buy a house here and want to leave, but can't sell it? I'm terrified of the idea of being trapped. Maybe it has something to do with those tricky control issues. Regardless, I am open to making the best out of our stay here, whether it's temporary or permanent.

As for my eating disorder, things still aren't where they should be. While my fiance was gone away on business, I lost 14 lbs. I know. It's a lot. Since he has returned, I have been eating a lot more and I've gained back 8 or 9 lbs. This stresses me out immensely. I feel like a big blob wobbling around from place to place. I know that it isn't true, but I can't help feeling that way. I need to stop weighing myself. There are so many issues going on in the world and so many people with so many problems. I feel like me worrying over what size my jeans are is so shallow and stupid. Then again, I know that it isn't my fault, that it's not a choice I am consciously making. I'm just so incredibly tired of dealing with my eating disorder. I wish I could just forget about it. Wouldn't that be great?

I hope you're all doing well, eating well, and feeling well.


  1. Glad to hear the move went well - I hope it will start to feel like home soon!

  2. Welcome to the Midwest. I am just a state over in the other "mitten".

    I hope that as you continue to settle in, you find your pace and rhythm. Each space has its own energy and I've had an abundance of joyous moments in this region (though I am not originally from here. Get out and explore for sure!)

    I admire your honesty greatly. Losing the weight you did to then venture back to eating and restoring yourself is admirable. I hope that you are able to find a way "silence" the sounds that attempt to derail you from your pathway to balance and wellness.

    If only we could "forget" about it. Keep pushing against what you know is not whole for you.

    Energy of goodness and light to you.

    Be well. :)

  3. Thank you for your awesome kind comment to my last blog post (not the most recent one but one before recent about the dog). It did help so much to read your comment because it made me feel alone. So thank you.

    I second what sensory overload said..welcome to the midwest! :) I love the midwest....and hate it. So, yeah....

    I am glad that the move did go well for you. Animals are so resilent; my cats did awesome when we moved, and they adjusted well (within circumstance).

    I understand why eating can be such a struggle especially when you are put in a new place and moving and all that crap. I am glad to learn that you did gain some of the weight DESERVE so much from life.

    To add; I can relate to the feeling of not having a "home".....I haven't found a place I want to settle down either.


  4. Er.....I mean...Less alone, but I know you get the gist! :)

  5. I just moved to Georgia this fall for grad school. Unlike you, I lived in one state for my whole life, but I still feel like nowhere is home now because my "home" was where I did my undergrad, but I can't call it that anymore, nor would I want to. How do you cope with it and appreciate it? I'm not sure I really like where I'm living now, so that makes it trickier.

    Your willingness to gain after that setback and be healthy shows incredible strength. It's really great to see that others are so willing to do the hard work required. Keep going!

  6. Hi there! So glad you are working on recovery. Please take a look at my video about anorexia on YouTube:

    What do you think? Is it helpful or not? If so, will you share it? My best. Holly
    P.S. I'm learning Twitter and following you. Do you want to follow me? I'm going to start posting some weekly ideas to help us be the strong woman we are meant to be!!!!