Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Redefining my Recovery

I have been thinking lately about the possibility of seeking formal treatment. As far as ED recovery goes, I have never played by the rules. After one bad encounter with a medical professional when I was at my worst point, about 6 years ago, I swore off formal recovery and vowed to beat this on my own. But now, for the first time in a long time, I am feeling very vulnerable, very dysfunctional, and very sick of having an eating disorder.

Somehow, within the last three months, things went from good to bad to terrible. As indicated in my last few posts, after a brief relapse, I had lost 14 lbs. I wasn't eating at all. Now, I've gained it all back and I'm experiencing binge after binge after binge. It feels like I have lost control of my life again and all I can think about is food-- or, more precisely-- hunger. I have this burning, irrational, all-encompassing hunger that I try so greatly to suppress and deny. Honestly, it's exhausting. I'm not sure how I got so far off track, but I know that, once again, this thing is controlling/destroying my entire life.

I had today off of work. There were so many things I needed to accomplish but I didn't have the energy to do any of them. I spent my entire day fighting this battle between eating and not eating, switching loyalties from one side to the other and back again. Part of me wants to eat properly and nourish and care for my body, the other part wants nothing more than to lose weight. I am so conflicted that it wears me out. I starve, I binge. I eat normally. I work out. I skip a meal. I binge again. I work out again. There seems to be no logic or reason behind it. There are no decisions being made. It's as if I'm on auto-pilot and just going through the motions that some remote part of my brain signals for me to carry out. I feel so unbelievably, uncontrollably fat. It's as though moving and functioning and carrying out normal tasks are so much more exhausting because I feel like I'm twice the size I actually am. Again, I know that it's not "real", or that it isn't apparent to the rest of the world. It's my own issue inside my own head, but I can't find the switch to turn it off.

I realize this post is a major downer, but I had to say something. Until now, no one else has known what's going on with me. I have just been keeping it all inside, and I know how dangerous that can be.

I hope those of you who are reading this find yourselves in better spirits and in better health. I know that, like all things, this too shall pass. My faith in recovery has not wavered. I still believe it is possible, it is necessary, even, and that we all deserve it. I'm just realizing now that I can't do it on my own, and changes need to be made in order to achieve it.


  1. you do not have to apologize for this post being a "downer". You need to be honest and your readers will read what you say and support you whether it's upbeat or you're struggling. It would be far worse if you pretended to be okay if you weren't.

    I'm really proud of you for deciding you need help. I think that shows incredible courage and is a huge step. I was in denial about getting serious help for almost a year, and I just admitted it a few weeks ago. I already feel better (even though I havent even started treatment yet) because I've taken the first step to fighting the ED. I really hope that you can reach out. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with treatment in the past, but there are great people out there who are compassionate and experts in the area. Please keep your head up, girl :) you are beautiful and deserve to feel that way about yourself, rather than letting your ED control your thoughts and behaviors and making you feel bad.

  2. Totally second Emmy's words. It's great to hear an update from you & I love your honesty; thank you. I love your attitude too & I think that reaching out for help is a great idea. Your determination is inspiring!

  3. I'm third-ing what has already been said.

    I want to say that this : "I'm just realizing now that I can't do it on my own, and changes need to be made in order to achieve it. " is incredibly brave. You are listening to your true self.

    I hope that you are able to find the pathway to get you to where you will feel and be in a space healthier and with wellness for you.

    Thank you for sharing. You are not alone, but I very much understand how difficult it is to keep this to yourself.

    With hopes of light and peace for you.

  4. Agreed with everyone else. This is not an easy thing to 'figure out.' I find myself in the EXACT same cycle that you're in right now. It's terrifying. I'm sorry to hear that you're also in the same place. It's hard to say the same to myself, but keep reaching out.

    Please take care of yourself and let us know how things go.

  5. Aw, hon.
    You are so, so, so tired.
    So weary.

    We are, I should say, so tired and weary.

    I am glad to see we both still have Faith....even though hope seems to be in short supply.

    Keep listening to that inner voice telling you to seek help.

  6. It looks like you have made the biggest decision you might ever make.
    The decision to get help to recover.
    It is so hard.
    It will be.
    I did a lot on my own with the support of friends and family, but ultimately, I needed therapy.
    I needed to process what caused me to do the things I did.
    I needed time to learn how to be me again.
    My biggest advice is act now, not later, as you may very quickly change your mind <3

  7. i can totally relate. i spend my day eating (or not eating) and it really does consume your entire being.

    i think this is an amazing decision. it takes so much STRENGTH, and i believe you have it in you.

    i wish you the best with your decision to recover, and continue to blog! i agree that this is entry is not a downer. its real! and entries like this help me through those rough days when i feel like im alone.

  8. Thanks for your honesty. I am recovering from ED too, and some times are much harder for me than others. It's as if the internal conflicts and static are mysterious signals to me from my inner self, from my unconscious mind, and if I could only understand the meaning then I would be okay. In other words, I want complex problems to have clear answers, or a nice step by step guide to follow--like completing all the requirements for a degree. I want the universe to provide a list of classes or assignments, LOL, and then all I have to do is finish each one before moving on, and that will provide safety. I want security in a world of insecurity, community in a world of disconnection, intimacy and mutual support in a world of superficial relationships and powerlessness denied. And yet. Today I am well. I believe solidarity exists. I am not alone. You are not alone. (((hugs))) --robin

  9. I agree with all you've just said. Good luck! You deserve recovery and I have faith in you <3