Thank You! Plus, Big News! Plus, I haven't abandoned you!

So, first of all, I want to thank all of you for helping out the Geese by signing the virtual petition! That petition, along with local media coverage, protests, and letters written to editors and the humane society helped to save the geese! At least for now. The homeowners withdrew their request to have the geese murdered and are looking at other options to control them. Though their future is uncertain (this will be a big problem again next year, and the year after that, and the year after that) the geese can at least for now, relax. So, thank you again. I knew I could count on you! Here is a picture of the protestors via the local news channel.



I also have some very exciting personal news. If you follow me on facebook you may know this already, but... I am engaged! My boyfriend, err, Fiance, proposed to me a little over a week ago. I am very excited about it. No wedding plans have been made as of yet, except I know that I want to have an outdoor wedding. The when is the big question. On a sad note, he will be out of town--and out of state-- for the next two months. He is en route to Wisconsin as we speak because of his job. This also happened last year. I was worried then that I wouldn't be able to properly feed myself and care for myself in his absence, but I did, proving to myself that I can take care of me. I won't lie, it's not easy. I have a hard time cooking a meal for just myself, but I do it anyway. I'm already thinking about what I'll make for dinner tonight. In my refrigerator I have zucchini, fresh corn on the cob, cabbage, leftover quinoa, green peppers, and a bunch of herbs. I'm sure I can whip something up out of those goodies. Speaking of cooking, my boyfriend... err.. Fiance and I have been thinking about starting a video blog featuring various cooking tutorials. He is a classically trained chef and I, well, am not. I doubt that we would actually go through with it, but, if we did, would anyone want to watch? I guess that's the question.

Finally, I want to apologize for my absence over the last several months. I feel like I have let some of you down. Maybe it's myself I'm letting down. I used to blog daily, then weekly, then, well, randomly. I want to recommit myself to blogging more often. The truth is, for now at least, it seems my eating disorder is pretty well controlled. I still have issues but they're not as common as they used to be. I've considered allowing my blog to drift slightly into the "healthy living" realm posting about my ed when it's particularly relevant, and posting about other things when eating isn't a real issue. But, I'm not sure if that is something you ladies and gentlemen would be interested in reading about? So, there are a few things I need to work out, but I will be blogging more often.

As always, I hope you all are well and wonderful. I hope you're being kind and gentle to yourselves, taking care of yourselves, and wearing sunscreen. Seriously. It's hot outside. At least it's hot here. And humid.

Take care!


- Jess

Nutrition Talk

I cannot stress enough the damage improper nutrition/self-starvation has on our bodies. I know that many people with anorexia simply don't care about poor nutrition or poor health--I know I certainly didn't. When anorexic, I didn't take multivitamins. I didn't take Calcium supplements. I didn't care whether I lived or died. Obviously I was able to overcome that deranged thinking and am able to think with clarity now. And I am left now, older and wiser, trying to mend the damage years of malnutrition has had on my body.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get the results of my last round of blood testing. I've known for years now that I am anemic (low iron) and Vitamin B-12 deficient. However, I learned yesterday that I am critically low on Vitamin D. A normal range of Vitamin D present in the body is somewhere near 50. Mine is 5. The doctor stressed the importance of returning my Vitamin D to a healthy level. Without it, I could face serious, serious issues such as osteoporosis, osteomalacia (soft bones), heart problems, etc. Proper amounts of Vitamin D are crucial for maintaining Calcium and Phosphorous levels in your body. Unfortunately for me, an irresponsible vegan who doesn't take her multivitamins, I know that my diet is the reason I'm vitamin deficient. Vitamin D is found in egg yolks, fish, meat, dairy-- all things I strictly avoid. It's also found in sunshine, so I'm going to make an effort to spend more time outdoors. Plus, the doctor gave me a prescription to slowly raise my Vitamin D level over a 12-week period (she said raising it too quickly can cause kidney stones). I try to manage my protein levels and iron levels by making smart food choices, but obviously I've neglected to take the importance of vitamins seriously. I had no idea how bad it was.

So I started thinking about all of my lovely readers. Do you know if you're getting the proper amounts of vitamins? Do you take multivitamins regularly? Do you care or know anything at all about nutrition? I understand that many of you see nutritionists and dietitians regularly, or have seen them in the past. I never have. As I've said in previous posts, I have avoided proper treatment for years, to my own detriment (mostly because I've had no medical insurance, but also due to the lack of trust I have in doctors).

I took a nutrition class when I was an undergrad during the height of my anorexia. I told everyone, including the instructor, that I signed up for the class to help get over my eating disorder. In reality, I was only looking for ways to better starve myself. I thought somehow learning the ins and outs of the human body would give me some sort of advantage, a way to further manipulate and control it. It turned out to be the hardest class I had ever taken. Not because the material was difficult to understand, but because in my eating disordered state, I couldn't accept anything the instructor said as true. On tests, she asked questions like, "How many calories should the average woman eat per day?" My brain wouldn't let me write down a rational answer. And for our final project, we had to record everything we ate over a three day period then calculate the calories, fat grams, protein, vitamins and minerals for those days and compare them to the numbers the book said were healthy based on age. As I said, at the height of my eating disorder, I was eating between 0-800 calories a day. Needless to say, all of my levels were lower than they were supposed to be and my grade suffered. At the time, I was offended the instructor didn't take my eating disorder into consideration, appreciate my honesty, and give me a good grade. But now I see I should have been offended that I didn't stand up for myself and feed my body the nutrients it needed. Even now, this far into recovery, I'm realizing I'm not as healthy as I thought I was. I still have a lot of work to do as far as a healthy diet goes. My body is no longer the enemy. I want to nurture it, to heal it, and to make peace with it. Today is the day for change.

I've been reading a lot this morning about the thirteen essential vitamins we need to be healthy. Here is a description of each of them that I copied and pasted from Medline Plus (here's the link) in case anyone is interested. Please try and understand the horrible things your eating disorder is doing/has done to your body. Maybe you don't care now, but one of these days, you'll wish you'd been kinder to yourself. There's no time like the present.

Each vitamin has specific functions. You can develop health problems (deficiency disease) if you do not get enough of a particular vitamin.

Vitamin A helps form and maintain healthy teeth, bones, soft tissue, mucous membranes, and skin.

Vitamin B6 is also called pyridoxine. The more protein you eat, the more vitamin B6 is needed to help the body use protein. Vitamin B6 helps form red blood cells and maintain brain function, among other things.

Vitamin B12, like the other B vitamins, is important for metabolism. It also helps form red blood cells and maintain the central nervous system.

Vitamin C, also called ascorbic acid, is an antioxidant that promotes healthy teeth and gums. It helps the body absorb iron and maintain healthy tissue. It also promotes wound healing.

Vitamin D is also known as the "sunshine vitamin," since it is made by the body after being in the sun. Ten to 15 minutes of sunshine 3 times a week is enough to produce the body's requirement of vitamin D. However, many people living in sunny climates still do not make enough vitamin D and need more from their diet or supplements. Vitamin D helps the body absorb calcium, which you need for the normal development and maintenance of healthy teeth and bones. It also helps maintain proper blood levels of calcium and phosphorus.

Vitamin E is an antioxidant also known as tocopherol. It plays a role in the formation of red blood cells and helps the body use vitamin K.

Vitamin K is not listed among the essential vitamins, but without it blood would not stick together (coagulate). Some studies suggest that it helps promote strong bones in the elderly.

Biotin is essential for the metabolism of proteins and carbohydrates, and in the production of hormones and cholesterol.

Niacin is a B vitamin that helps maintain healthy skin and nerves. It is also has cholesterol-lowering effects.

Folate works with vitamin B12 to help form red blood cells. It is necessary for the production of DNA, which controls tissue growth and cell function. Any woman who is pregnant should be sure to get enough folate. Low levels of folate are linked to birth defects such as spina bifida. Many foods are now fortified with folic acid.

Pantothenic acid is essential for the metabolism of food. It is also plays a role in the production of hormones and cholesterol.

Riboflavin (B2) works with the other B vitamins. It is important for body growth and the production of red blood cells.

Thiamine (B1) helps the body cells change carbohydrates into energy. It is also essential for heart function and healthy nerve cells.

Health and Happiness

The last few weeks have been full of medical appointments and testing. Doctors are still trying to figure out what has been making me so dizzy. The dizziness isn't as bad as it was originally but it's still there. Since September I've been in the emergency room three times, undergone one CT scan, two x-rays, two MRIs, and multiple rounds of blood testing and they still can't tell me what's wrong with me. Every test comes back normal, which is good. But it doesn't help me figure out what's going on or how to stop it.

I'm supposed to see an ENT and a Neurologist, though I'm still waiting for my primary doctor to schedule those appointments. I also need to see an OBGYN because of ovarian cysts. One ruptured Thursday causing me yet another trip to the emergency room. I saw my primary doctor today and she told me the blood work I had done was basically normal, even my B-12 and iron levels. That is the first time in 7 years (since my eating disorder began) that everything has been normal! I credit it to good nutrition. I've been making an effort not only to eat enough, but to eat the right foods for my body's needs. I focus less on calories and more on nutrients. I choose foods with high levels of protein, iron, and B & D vitamins since those are the areas I'm generally lacking. I'm not interested in torturing my body. I'm interested in nourishing it.

I do have to admit that all of these appointments have triggered my eating disorder in some ways. For example, most of my labs required me to be fasting. That word alone triggers something deep within me, and I apologize if it triggers any of you who may be reading this. I understand that the point is to test my blood levels when nothing is in my body, but the very act of having nothing in my body brings back too many familiar sensations. It's like recovering from alcohol abuse only to be told by someone you have to drink alcohol before they can help you. Regardless, I overcame it, and I'm eating regularly.

Normally I request at doctors' offices not to be weighed or at least not to know what the scale says. With my new doctor, I was too embarrassed to ask for that, so I know my weight now. As you can imagine it stressed me out. It's better not knowing. Even though I am making steps to love myself and nurture myself and accept myself no matter what, hearing a number higher than I anticipated was like a little punch in the stomach. But it doesn't matter. For the first time in my life I'm realizing a few pounds are not going to be the end of me. Just more proof the grip anorexia once had on me is loosening and loosening.

Before long, I will shake her off completely. There is no doubt in my mind. Life without her is too good. I'm too strong, too happy, too free to go back.

I don't normally make resolutions for the new year, but this time I'm going to. Very simply, I am dedicating 2011 to health and happiness. That means doing everything I can do to be the healthiest, happiest me that I can be.

I wish the same to everyone reading this. Health and happiness.

How to love yourself

Christmas was better than I thought it would be, seeing as though I spent it virtually alone. I had my cat, my miniature Christmas tree, and even a touch of snow. My mother shipped the presents she bought me overnight so that I had something to open on Christmas morning. It was sweet of her. I called home and spoke with my nieces. I miss them so much. They're growing up so quickly. They asked why I didn't come home for Christmas. They don't understand the tension that exists between me and the rest of our family. Then again, it's better that they don't.

This is the first time in 6 years that I treated myself to a special meal on Christmas. And, I did it all for myself. There was no one else to cook for. There was no reason I should eat anything at all. For the past 6 years, I ate nothing on Christmas, or at least very little. This year I made myself some vegan lasagna, some garlic bread, and vegan chocolate chip cookies. I only ate one, but I can't even begin to stress the progress I've made. I've never felt like I was worthy enough to eat. Maybe that sounds strange, maybe it doesn't. I always thought I didn't deserve food. I hated myself so badly. I realize now there is no reason to hate myself. I shouldn't torture my body. It has done nothing wrong. It has never failed me. It has never asked for anything other than to exist as it is, without me torturing it. I decided to treat myself out of respect. I respect my body. I want to feed it, nurture it, and keep it strong.

I've spent too much time and energy being sick. Now, I'm focusing all that time and energy on being healthy.

I know that respect for our bodies is something a lot of people struggle with, even those who have never had an eating disorder. Most women and girls especially hate their bodies. They starve them, nip them, tuck them, tan them, criticize them, torture them, overexert them, abuse them, hate them, loathe them, wish and pray for nothing else but to change them. Why is it so hard for people to see how beautiful they are?

Why was it so hard for me?

I don't have the answer, but I have the solution: love yourself the way you love those dearest to you. Treat yourself. Nurture yourself. Believe in yourself. See the beauty and divinity and strength that exists naturally in yourself, just the way you are.

I've posted this before in another entry, but I've been thinking about it a lot today. At my old church in Las Vegas, one very memorable sermon was about self-respect. The pastor spoke about how critical people are of themselves, especially of their bodies. Then he asked:

How do you think God feels when we criticize his creation?

Because that's what we are: his creations. Beautiful. Holy. Special.

As is.

(Re) cover ed

The last few days have been a whole bunch of blah. I've been super busy finishing up with grad school. (I graduate in two weeks! Yikes!) In addition, I've been sick with the flu or maybe just a bad cold. Regardless, I've been sniffling and sneezing around my apartment feeling down in the dumpster. I've had difficulties the last few days with eating. I've had no desire to eat. It's not that I'm not hungry, and it's not that I'm consciously trying to restrict. I just don't want food. It doesn't sound appetizing.

But I've been fighting.

Appetite or not, I'm eating anyway. I'm pushing myself. It's the right thing to do. Actually, it's the only thing to do.

Starvation is not an option. It's a horrible feeling. It's a horrible word. And there's simply no place for it in my life.

There shouldn't be any place for it in your life, either.

There is, however, room for health. There is room for happiness. And there's room for hope.

Today I forced myself to eat even though I didn't really want to. I ate chocolate "ice cream". I ate chips. I ate pasta. Holy cow. I know, right? I rarely eat any of those things, let alone all of them in one day. But guess what: It didn't kill me. The world didn't stop turning. I didn't throw up. I didn't work out afterward. And I didn't gain even a pound.

Not to mention, it was yummy.

I'm so tired of being a slave to my eating disorder. The bitch doesn't own me anymore.

I have regressed, restricted, revolted, reacted, rebelled, repented, reflected, rededicated, regrouped, revamped, readjusted, refocused, reconciled, renewed, rediscovered...

and am well on my way to being

RECOVERED.

Coming Clean

Today was the first day in over a month that I simultaneously had no dizziness and no homework. How did I celebrate? By cleaning my apartment, of course. I'm not talking about just tidying up. I gave this entire place a good, thorough scrub down, a real "deep cleaning" as my boyfriend calls it. I swept, vacuumed, and mopped all the floors. I cleaned both bedrooms, both bathrooms, the kitchen, the laundry room, the walls, the floorboards. I washed all the sheets and blankets and laundry. I cleaned every inch of this place. And it feels amazing. It feels like it should. I don't consider myself a neat freak by any means, but I like keeping things clean. Since I've been sick, I've done only surface cleanings in the few, fleeting moments I didn't feel like collapsing. It's so great just to sit down in a nice, clean room, breathe in, and relax. So I started thinking,

Isn't it the same for our bodies?

Our bodies feel better clean, too. No only is it important to eat and eat regularly, but it's important to eat smart. Eat healthy. Know what you're eating. Love what you're eating. Let it nourish your body.

Take care of your body. Keep it clean.

I consciously buy foods that don't have additives or chemicals or ingredients I can't pronounce. I don't want to put anything artificial into my body. Instead of buying food flavored with unnecessary dyes or weird things like cochineal/carmine/carminic acid (it's ground up bugs!) I opt for foods colored with natural ingredients I understand--like beet juice. Or carrots. I cook 99% of my meals at home. I make things from scratch. It isn't difficult, it's therapeutic. It's more satisfying that way. It makes me love food for the first time in my life. Simple food. Clean food.

I care about my body, and I care about the earth. Since I became vegan a few years ago (though I've been a vegetarian since childhood) I vowed to put nothing in or on my body I didn't understand, trust, or support, or value. Veganism is a cultural dedication that goes far beyond food. As a vegan, I don't wear fur or leather. I don't use any cosmetics, chemicals, or products that were tested on animals or contain animal ingredients. This is obviously a personal choice, but it's one I stand firmly by. There is no room for guilt in my life.

I'm coming clean.

I understand that my body needs food to survive. I am also sorry for the years of calorie restriction and starvation I subjected it to. I want to make it up to myself. I want to nurture myself, to protect myself. To give only the best things to myself. The best ingredients.

I wouldn't do it if I didn't love myself.

If you asked me if I loved myself six years ago, I would have laughed in your face.

All that baggage. All that pain. The guilt, the sorrow, the lies, the mistakes. The shortcomings, the insecurities, the disappointments.

Washed away.

I've come clean.