Enjoying the moment

So, my boyfriend is back and Boston and it's just me and the cat again. While he was in town, I still felt as sick and dizzy as ever. I decided that if I'm going to be dizzy no matter what, I may as well be dizzy inside his car or at restaurant instead of being dizzy on my couch. So we went out to dinner at my favorite vegan/vegetarian restaurant like we planned. My boyfriend isn't vegan or vegetarian, but he respects that I always have been and always will be, so he makes an effort to eat veggie meals with me. At the restaurant, we split a salad AND some delicious focaacia with marinara. For my entree I had bowtie pasta with mushrooms, snow-peas, and cauliflower. He had salmon (this restaurant always has one fish dish to cater to non-veggie eaters) with mashed potatoes and beans. We were both really full but I remembered how delicious their homemade soy ice cream is, and he really wanted a some pie, so we split a slice of vegan apple-berry pie with two scoops of soy ice cream. We were both full beyond belief, but it was so good to see him and spend time with him, not to mention getting out of this apartment for a while. Plus, the food was delicious. I didn't worry about calories or fat grams or anything else that would stifle the moment. I just enjoyed it. I'm learning to enjoy every moment.

My eating disorder cannot take that from me. Not anymore.

I've been feeling horribly dizzy again, but I'm making progress towards seeing an ENT. Since I don't have insurance and I'm a full time grad student, I'm eligible for medical assistance but there's lots of paperwork and red-tape to get through. I'm in the process of submitting an application. After that, it has to go into the review stages, and then finally (hopefully) I can get in to see the ENT. Without this medical assistance, it would cost thousands of dollars. I can't pay for that because I don't have a job. I don't have a job because I'm too dizzy to drive or to work or to do anything at all. It's all a horrible cycle. The condition they think I have is Meniere's Disease. It hasn't been confirmed yet (because I would need to have MRIs and lots of expensive tests done to confirm it that aren't possible until this application is accepted), but it's the only disease I've read about that perfectly describes all of my symptoms. I read today that not eating enough can really agitate the disease. For the last few weeks I've been struggling with food intake and I've gotten noticeably dizzier. I'm not sure if there is any correlation, but it seems like this is just one more reason to eat.

Which is what I'm going to do right now. Even though I have zero appetite. It's the right thing to do on so many levels.

On all levels, actually.

It's necessary.

I think I'll have a salad and some black-bean soup.

Yes.

Coming Clean

Today was the first day in over a month that I simultaneously had no dizziness and no homework. How did I celebrate? By cleaning my apartment, of course. I'm not talking about just tidying up. I gave this entire place a good, thorough scrub down, a real "deep cleaning" as my boyfriend calls it. I swept, vacuumed, and mopped all the floors. I cleaned both bedrooms, both bathrooms, the kitchen, the laundry room, the walls, the floorboards. I washed all the sheets and blankets and laundry. I cleaned every inch of this place. And it feels amazing. It feels like it should. I don't consider myself a neat freak by any means, but I like keeping things clean. Since I've been sick, I've done only surface cleanings in the few, fleeting moments I didn't feel like collapsing. It's so great just to sit down in a nice, clean room, breathe in, and relax. So I started thinking,

Isn't it the same for our bodies?

Our bodies feel better clean, too. No only is it important to eat and eat regularly, but it's important to eat smart. Eat healthy. Know what you're eating. Love what you're eating. Let it nourish your body.

Take care of your body. Keep it clean.

I consciously buy foods that don't have additives or chemicals or ingredients I can't pronounce. I don't want to put anything artificial into my body. Instead of buying food flavored with unnecessary dyes or weird things like cochineal/carmine/carminic acid (it's ground up bugs!) I opt for foods colored with natural ingredients I understand--like beet juice. Or carrots. I cook 99% of my meals at home. I make things from scratch. It isn't difficult, it's therapeutic. It's more satisfying that way. It makes me love food for the first time in my life. Simple food. Clean food.

I care about my body, and I care about the earth. Since I became vegan a few years ago (though I've been a vegetarian since childhood) I vowed to put nothing in or on my body I didn't understand, trust, or support, or value. Veganism is a cultural dedication that goes far beyond food. As a vegan, I don't wear fur or leather. I don't use any cosmetics, chemicals, or products that were tested on animals or contain animal ingredients. This is obviously a personal choice, but it's one I stand firmly by. There is no room for guilt in my life.

I'm coming clean.

I understand that my body needs food to survive. I am also sorry for the years of calorie restriction and starvation I subjected it to. I want to make it up to myself. I want to nurture myself, to protect myself. To give only the best things to myself. The best ingredients.

I wouldn't do it if I didn't love myself.

If you asked me if I loved myself six years ago, I would have laughed in your face.

All that baggage. All that pain. The guilt, the sorrow, the lies, the mistakes. The shortcomings, the insecurities, the disappointments.

Washed away.

I've come clean.

Food and Guilt

I am very proud of myself. Why? Because I made dinner. For me. For only me. And I ate it by myself.

I'm sure that doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment for most people, but for me it's major. Since my boyfriend is out of town, I've been living off of soup, and cereal-- things that I get full from without any effort on my part. I love to cook for other people, but my eating disorder has convinced me for years that if I went out of my way to cook a meal just for myself that I was some sort of greedy fat ass. I really had it ingrained in me that eating when no one else is around makes me weak. Oddly enough, eating in front of other people also made me weak. So what did I do? Not eat, of course. When I first started recovery, I ate only because it was forced on me. I ate only when others were looking. I did it all for them. I did it all so they would shut up and leave me alone. I had an understanding with myself that yes, eating was stupid and only weak people did it on their own with no one looking. My God, how wrong and delusional I was! We have to eat in order to live. Pure and simple. Eating is natural. It is as natural as breathing or sleeping or drinking water. Our lives cannot be sustained without food. So there's really only two options-- eat or starve. Live or die. I know some people become life-long anorexics. They eat just enough to get by, but I would by no means call that living. A life with anorexia is not a happy life. It is not the life we were meant to have. It is not the life we deserve to have.

I have to realize that I am just as hungry and eating is just as important whether there are 20 people here or whether it's just me. There is no crime in cooking myself a meal. Period. I refuse to let my eating disorder make me feel guilty!

In the past when my boyfriend has been out of town, I've been known to wrestle with myself, torn over whether to cook or not to cook. More than once I've taken out a cutting board, a knife, thrown a pot on the stove and dropped vegetables into it only to have talked myself out of eating by the time the meal is ready.

Not tonight.

I made a vegan burrito. It sounds simple but I did it all from scratch-- sauteed some peppers and onions, made some rice and black beans with cilantro and lime, a homemade pico de gallo, and guacamole. I also added some nice crunchy lettuce and fresh corn. Oh. My. Goodness. And I ate the entire thing.

And I'm not crying or feeling anxious or beating myself up over it. I don't feel ashamed. I don't feel angry. I don't feel like a failure, or a fat ass, or anything else my eating disorder would have me believe that I am. I'm not sorry I ate. I am a little bummed out, however, about all of these dirty dishes.

If you're reading this, I hope you've eaten something. Or that you're eating something now. Or that you'll eat something after. Something good. Something nutritious. Something satisfying.

Food should not equal guilt.

Fighting Anemia

It has been some time since I actually planned out my meals. I know that for many people, meal planning is an essential part of recovering from an eating disorder. Some people swear by it. For me personally, it always seems to do more harm than good. Once I see all of that food written down on paper it becomes real. And I don't want to eat it, so I end up eating even less. For me, it's better not to count calories. It's better not to take inventory of everything I'm eating. It triggers the eating disorder and makes me feel miserable.

Since I've had all of these problems with dizziness, I've really tried to get a handle on my anemia. The doctor said that though I am anemic, he doesn't think it's the culprit that's causing all the dizziness. However, getting more iron into my body might help to alleviate some of it and it might help to make me feel better overall. I hate taking any kind of pills or drugs, vitamins included, so I don't want to take iron supplements. I already take multivitamins and B-12 supplements and I can barely remember to take those. My solution to iron deficiency is to make a conscious effort to incorporate more iron into my body naturally by eating iron rich foods. I know that there are two types of iron our body needs: heme iron and non-heme iron. Heme iron comes from meat and is absorbed very easily by the body. The problem is I'm vegan so I'm lacking heme iron. As for non-heme iron, it is found in vegetable form but it needs vitamin c in order to be absorbed by the body. Though I do eat many foods that contain non-heme iron, and though I do get plenty of vitamin c, for the last few days I've been consciously eating more iron rich foods than I might normally eat, or at least in higher quantities. In order to do this, I've been loosely following a meal plan. Here are some of the iron rich foods I am making an effort to eat more of:

Soybeans, Black-Eyed Peas, Barley, Tofu, Lentils, Chickpeas, Sunflower Seeds, Pumpkin Seeds, Raisins, Spinach, Broccoli, Bok Choy.

Though I already enjoy all of these foods and eat them regularly, I am trying to make sure I eat at least one of them with every meal. So far, the meal planning hasn't made me nervous but I haven't committed any of it to paper. It's more of a mental dietary guideline that I'm keeping loose and unstructured. The minute I get too meticulous and calculated everything falls apart and my eating disorder kicks into overdrive. I'm not going to let that happen.

I'm hoping that eating more of these iron-rich foods will make me feel better. It's a little early to tell since I've only be concentrating on it for the last few days. For dinner last night I made a barley tabbouleh with fresh parsley and mint. Tonight I had "tacos" with black beans and black-eyed peas. I also made some granola with raisins, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, dried cherries, oats, and almonds that I've been snacking on throughout the day. I guess that I have nothing to lose here. Being vegan, I have to be extra careful to make sure all of my nutrient needs are met. It's time I take control and be the healthiest me that I can be.

Dizzy, dizzy

Today wasn't the best of days. I've been terribly sick and I can't even begin to explain why. I wrote a post a while ago about how incredibly dizzy I've been lately. It's more than feeling light-headed. It's completely incapacitating. It went away slightly but has come back full force. I went to a nurse practitioner a few weeks ago and she told me it was a sinus infection. I took the medicine she gave me to no real avail. Sometimes I hear noises that sound like the ocean inside my ear. My mother thinks it's because there's fluid in my ear. She spoke with my doctor (whom she works for) and they seem to think it could be something more serious like diabetes. Yeah, that diabetes. Years ago when my anorexia and bulimia were both wildly out of control, the same doctor gave me a pamphlet about the connection between eating disorders and diabetes. I guess there's a correlation. And I guess it was her way of warning me, but what was done was done. I guess it makes sense-- you go from eating nothing to eating a lot, then throwing it up and eating some more. It has to totally mess with blood sugar levels. It must disorient everything. This is another shining example of the bad things I've done to my body in the name of anorexia and bulimia. I hope that isn't what's going on, but I have noticed that the dizziness becomes most unbearable about an hour to an hour and a half after I have eaten. At that point, there's nothing else I can do besides lie down and close my eyes. I've also noticed a numbness in my toes and fingers. A week or two ago, my toe was numb for over 36 hours. It freaked me out. Talking about this is freaking me out even more. I initially thought it had something to do with a vitamin deficiency because I'm vegan and a very picky vegan at that. I don't know anymore.

I guess the only solution is to see a doctor, but I don't have medical insurance and I still haven't found a job. The last thing I can afford right now is another bill to pay. I could drive to my usual doctor back home but that's 9 hours away. They would see me at a discounted rate, but it still costs money to drive my car that far. Not to mention, I'm too dizzy to walk. I don't think I should be driving.

I think I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'm tired of speculating. It only stresses me out.


Okay, okay. I'm not getting worked up about this.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

I'll feel better tomorrow.