marry me

While trying to secure a job teaching at the college level, I am currently working for a high-end cosmetics company. One of the most popular skincare brands we carry is Philosophy. I decided to buy a Philosophy gift set for my mother called "The Bride" which contains several of their most popular products. Since my mother is going through a divorce, I thought it wasn't the best idea to give her the original box the products came in (since it's peppered with words like, "marry me" and "the bride") so I transferred the products into a neat little gift bag for her and kept the original box for myself to store random things in. Inside the box was this nifty little "marriage certificate" which I never read until a few weeks ago. It isn't meant to be given to another person-- it's a marriage certificate for yourself. Basically, it says, "Marry yourself before you marry another." In other words, commit to loving yourself before passing that love onto someone else.

I decided to tape the marriage certificate above the vanity where I get ready every morning to remind me to nurture and love myself. It may seem silly, but it's something I need to constantly remind myself. I have no problem nurturing and taking care of others, but I'm the worst person in the world when it comes to respecting my own body and its needs. I'm going to post the words to the certificate below as well as a couple of pictures. Here's what it says:

marry me

Dear God, I stand before thee as I join in marriage with the most important person in my life, me. I ask for your blessings so I may be totally conscious of my special needs always. I ask this so that I may be strong enough to love myself as I love others. I vow that from this day forward, I will care for myself by getting the proper rest. I will consume foods that nourish my body and soul. I will internally cleanse my body with a large daily intake of pure drinking water. I will exercise, not to burn calories, but to rid my body of toxins. I promise to take care of my skin, the largest organ of my body. I will nurture my soul with little gifts of pampering. I will celebrate my spirit with creative activities I love. I will romance my heart, by allowing intimacy into every moment of my life, but mostly, I vow to put my arms around me every day and to recite the words, “I will never leave me no matter what".

I don't really agree with the first line (I don't think I am the most important person in my life and I never will). But I do think most of what is said in this little certificate is valuable, especially for those of us learning to love and respect ourselves.

We're only given one life, one body, one shot.

We have to take care of ourselves. If we don't, who will?

We have to respect ourselves. If we don't, who will?

We have to commit to ourselves, to be honest with ourselves, to do good by ourselves. If we don't, who will?

We have to love ourselves.

If we don't, who will?

A dose of independence

I used to be terribly independent but that has changed a lot over the last few years. I like to blame it on my eating disorder, but I know it's because of my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, he's wonderful. He has been so helpful in my recovery. He was the first person to understand and the first person to encourage me to make peace with food. I know that he supports me no matter what. We've been together for three and a half years now. I'm terrified to realize I've blended into him. By the same token, he has blended into me. I can't make a decision without first running it by him. This isn't something he requires of me. I don't know why I feel the need have his approval on every single thing. He urges me to be more independent and I want to be. I can be in this relationship with him and still be myself. That's something I'm really trying to work on lately.

He will be spending some time in Boston due to work. Actually, he will be there for ten weeks. Ten! And I will be here. We will talk on the phone daily. We will fly back and forth to see each other when we can. But, for the most part, I will be here. Alone.

Am I strong enough to make the right decisions while he's gone?

He is the one who gives me a reason to eat everyday. Whenever I'm left to my own devices, my eating disorder tends to overwhelm me. I know that I am strong. I know that I have it in me. But it's going to be so hard without him here. It's more than missing him. It's a 10 week Jessica vs. The Eating Disorder boxing match extravaganza.

Part of me knows that being alone will be good for me in some ways. It will give me a chance to find myself again. It will give me a chance to take a much needed dose of independence. I will miss him like crazy, but maybe this time apart can strengthen our relationship. Since we've lived together for almost three years, a little space might remind us what it was we loved about each other in the first place.

He is a good influence and a healthy, stable voice of reason in my life. But an eating disorder is a very personal experience. As much as I value his love and appreciation, ultimately, he can't fight this thing for me. No one can. Support and encouragement are crucial, but it's terribly personal. I'm the one who lives with this thing. And I will be the one to put an end to it.