It's been a while since I've written. I can pretend it's because I've been busy with school (which I have been) but it's more than that. For the last week or so I've been fighting my eating disorder hard. My head has been flooded with negative thoughts about food and about my body. I thought anything I wrote would turn out negative as well and I didn't want to drag anyone else down with me. In reality, I think it was ED's way of keeping me under. Not writing here means not consciously and actively thinking about recovery. Not thinking about recovery means a higher chance of relapse. The point is,
Recovery is a full-time commitment.
And I'm okay with that because it's worth it.
I don't want to be sort-of recovered. I don't want to be partially recovered. I don't want to be recovered only when I feel like it. I'm tired of 75%, 80%. I want to be 100% better; 100% ED-free.
And, like anything worth having, that takes dedication.
So, this is my re-dedication. This is my chance to regroup, refocus, and NOT relapse. That's the worst possible thing that could happen and I'm not going to allow it. I've said it before but it holds true: there is NO room for an eating disorder in my life.
There's no room for one in your life, either.
There's no room for negativity.
Life is too short as it is. Life should be enjoyed!
I went out this morning and bought myself new shoes: a really cute pair of black boots and a pair of pretty ruby red pumps (which I'm wearing now even as I type this) I am so picky about shoes. I rarely find any that I like, so, for once, I don't feel guilty about buying something for myself.
It's a beautiful day and I'm off to enjoy it.
My eating disorder will not be joining me.