Friday, February 25, 2011

A White Flag Waving

Thank you all for the support and encouragement you offered on my last post. It is very, very much appreciated. I've been trying hard this week to get a handle on my emotions, to slow down and breathe, to think rationally, calmly, to nurture myself, to stay positive, to smile. I would be lying if I said that it wasn't challenging. I've been suppressing so many emotions and memories and ill feelings deep inside me now for last few months-- even the last few years-- and I guess they're all finally spilling out, whether I'm ready to cope with them or not.

I've written here before about the terrible rift in my family. I will spare you the details. What is important is that my brother and I almost never speak. My father is dead. My mother is remarried (as of last month) and she doesn't call me anymore. We don't speak unless I call her, which my pride won't let me as often as I want to. My mother and I grew very close after my father's passing. But now that she's remarried, it's like she's a totally different person. I've only met her new husband once. From what I have observed and from what she has told me, he is very controlling. I don't know if he simply won't let her contact me, or if she just doesn't want to. Either way, I feel brokenhearted, betrayed, abandoned, alone.

Maybe it's silly for me to feel that way. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'll be 27 in a few weeks. But I feel utterly abandoned. Orphaned.

A few days ago at work one of my coworkers asked me whether or not I missed living in Las Vegas (it's been almost a year since I moved from there). I told her yes, I missed it very much. She asked if I still had family there. I meant to tell her that I didn't have any family there. But the words that came from my mouth were, "I don't have any family." I didn't even realize what I'd said. She placed her hands on my arm and said, "Honey, what do you mean you don't have any family?" I felt tears rising up in me but I held them back. Talk about the Freudian slip of the century.

I know that I do have family. I know that they love me. And I love them very much. But our relationship is so wounded that none of us communicate with one another. We don't see each other. We don't call each other or speak to each other or e-mail each other or text each other.

I do have family. But we are no longer the family we once were.

All of these negative emotions have been fueling eating disordered thoughts. And I have been using them as an excuse not to eat, to lose weight, to funnel all of my energy into letting myself feel pain instead of forcing myself to fight against it. I know that's not okay. I've been praying very hard for God to mend our broken family, to soften our hearts, especially mine. I've been asking him to help me to not hold grudges, to not be bitter. And I realized that we don't have to stay broken. But we will stay broken until one of us takes the first step forward, a peace offering. A white flag waving.

I've never been one to surrender. I can hold a grudge longer than anyone. But so can my brother and so can my mother. I guess we're more alike than any of us realize.

Someone has to give in.

I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try.


  1. I really think you are amazing. You've had/have your fair share of battles, and your attitude and determination is always inspiring to me.

    With your mum, if you can, try not to place too much blame on her. If you guys were really close before she got remarried, it probably is to do with her new husband. I've been in a a friendship where I was made to feel so guilty just for thinking about my other friends - I can imagine that in a marriage, this is so much harder. Reach out to her, if you can. But at the same time, remember that although you have to do your part, the whole responsibility does not rest on you alone.

    Good luck x x

  2. I would not view this as surrender. I would view this as a potential growth in yourself. This is not about admitting to defeat but rising above the ashes and becoming a stronger person.

    I am sorry that your mom is so distant and being controlled by a man (just coming with facts from what I have read from your post). My mom is kind of like that...she has become really distant, but then again, she has always been distant but I have not seen that until I became older and relaized that our family is not entirely functional.

    I think this is a chance where you can find a closure within yourself and your family. Your relationships with brother and mom may never be repaired or it may be repaired down the road, but you can't say that you have not tried to repair it. Do it for your sake rather than for them.

    It is not easy to reach out and show how you feel, but it may be the best move for you and it can bring you one step closer to beating your ED.

  3. I've been reading your blog for a bit now, though I haven't commented before. But I wanted to say I very much understand the feeling of abandonment. I used to be very close to my parents but we don't talk now unless I call as well. I will be 27 in a few months too. Doesn't mean you don't feel very lost and alone. I really hope things get sorted out with your family. Maybe making the first move will be hard but it seems like it might be harder not to.

  4. Oh I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You will feel better if you reach out - someone has to, and you will not regret it. I've been in a similar situation.


  5. That is tough - I'm sorry your family is so distant.

    Praying for you! Keep going, you have so much going on and I am so proud of you for continuing to push throw and stay strong!! :D

  6. You are such an intelligent, beautiful, and strong-willed young woman.
    Yes, it sucks that your relationship with your family is in shambles at the moment. But like you said, someone's gotta take that step..
    It may just have to be you! I would pray about it and do what you feel God wants you to do.. Really vague advice, *sorry* but it works!
    Also, you're doing well by recognizing the connection the stress is having with your ED. Keep fighting it. You're worth so much more than the numb feeling and pain that ED causes.

    Praying for you! You're doing so great. Keep it up :)
    <3 Haley

  7. Thanks for bravely sharing your thoughts and struggles, I know this is not easy to do, even with the relative anonymity the internet affords us.
    Hang in there, times are tough but YOU are tougher!

  8. Wow. I ...I FEEL this and my heart bleeds for you.

    It is SO very difficult to watch someone move on...I am dealing with the same thing watching my brother's girlfriend move on and seeing her new boyfriend in pictures on facebook with my brother's baby so soon.

    And family drama? I know.

    It's so hard because sometimes we have to have BOUNDARIES...this is where that drama stops and I begin...

    yet they are our family.

    Thanks so much for sharing and please know you are in my thoughts and I feel for you girl.