Tuesday, August 16, 2011


As I’ve mentioned previously, my fiancé is away on business in another part of the country until October, so I am alone. Well, not entirely. I do have the cat to keep me company. I also have my job, though my hours have been cut back to roughly 10-12 per week. So I have a lot of free time. I have so many hours where I could be doing so many productive things—editing my book-in-progress, devoting time to my fiction side project, updating my blog, cleaning our apartment, making a dent in my mega-long reading list. Sharpening my guitar skills. Brushing up on my French. Planning our wedding. Applying for a better job. There are so many productive ways I could be spending my time. What am I doing?

Working out (far too often)
Obsessing over food
Weighing myself
Watching reality television
Playing Angry Birds
Listening to pensive indie bands (which I do love)
Avoiding reality
Avoiding responsibility
Avoiding recovery

Somehow I’ve found myself in the midst of a depression. Depression is nothing new to me. I’ve dealt with it since I was twelve when my father was first diagnosed with colon cancer. I fade in and out of it so fluidly that sometimes I don’t even recognize. For the last few years it has been relatively mild (I don't take any medication). However, it worsened back in January when my mother remarried. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned her husband (soon to be ex-husband, God willing), but he is a very, very negative and verbally abusive person, which yielded a whole host of trouble. I’ve been so stressed and worried about my mother, among other things. Of course, my eating disorder is closely linked to my depression. And, of course, I’m not eating nearly enough. But it’s hardly even a conscious choice this time. It’s because my fiance is gone and I’m here on my own. There’s no one else to cook for and I’ve been too emotionally drained to cook for myself. I don’t have the energy to do anything at all. All I want to do is sleep. I started out eating frozen dinners just to keep from cooking—which I normally love to do—and I’ve slowly been eating less and less. In the back of my mind I know it isn’t right, that I was doing so well in my recovery for the last several years really, and that not eating is never an option. I know how unhealthy it is, I know how hard ED behavior is to overcome. I know how hard I’ve fought this thing and how much progress I’ve made and how I never ever ever want things to go back to the way the used to be. I know all of this but I can’t snap out of it. I can’t snap out of it because, without really trying to, I’ve lost about 8 lbs. Suddenly my brain insists that I can and should lose more.

“Don’t you love a challenge? 8 was easy. Let’s do 15!”

The one thing that has been keeping me solid in my recovery all these years is my ability to block out those eating-disordered thoughts. They have always been there, but I’ve been able to override them and do what is right. But now, it seems so much easier and requires far less effort just to let my eating disorder do the thinking for me. I’ve been fighting this for 7 years. I’m tired.

I’m not saying I’m giving up on my recovery. I’m not giving up and I’m not going back. I just need help, and thoughts, and prayers right now to keep me grounded and give me the energy and motivation to keep fighting. It is worth it, I know that. I believe that. Really I do.


  1. You can do this! Praying for you! x

  2. Thoughts, prayers and hopes that you will get the help you need and have the motivation to keep at this.

    Sending light.

    Be well.

  3. Hey there. I'm going to kick your butt. *kicks your butt* Now I'm going t help you to get up. *picks you up*

    That's what ED blogging community is there for. I applaud that you are HONEST and admits to this. It is one step away from falling into ED trap.

    I understand that it is not easy especially if your fiance is gone. I do take advantage of Stu (my husband) being gone by not taking care of myself. I slip down my guard. I don't do a good job. I admit it.

    Since I am aware of it, I am changing this behavior. Easier said than done, I know.

    Jess, You are stronger than you believe.

    I'm here for you. XXXX

  4. Hugs. You can fight this. Don't ever, ever give up.

  5. Prayers for you? Done and done.
    Girl? I wish I had the words you needed to hear but that's okay because YOU have all the words anyways.
    It seems like you are cognizant of what is going on so HOLD ON to that awareness. I find myself in a very similar position. I get tricked into thinking I may be confused about what I want.

    I am easily tricked I guess because the confusion seems so real.

    But it's not. WE ARE NOT CONFUSED.
    WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT. Remember?

    Does that makes sense? I literally have to remind myself every few seconds because right now? That pretend confusion slips in as soon as I stop.

  6. Uff, I know how self-sabotage feel but you can fight it: you have to find mechanisms to achieve overcoming. You have already begun:
    -write lists
    -take notes on your calendar or something
    -force yourself to cook at least four days a week
    -put times to your day
    -and not last but not least, let yourself stumble from time to time, do not be so hard on yourself and give yourself a break once in a while

    Lots of love and strength



  7. I definitely understand self-sabotaging behavior. But you can fight this and beat this - you've been down this road before. Don't give up!

    I will be praying for you!!!


  8. This is bananas but there's sign in laziness since that's another account and all.

    When I saw that fb picture of you, besides adoring your shirt, I also thought "whoa, Jessica is WAY too skinny. Way. She's so small, how does she even fit into adult clothing from Anthropologie?" Seriously, this IS what I thought. And I worried. Your collarbones sticking right out. I was triggered. Bu mostly concerned.

    Please take care of yourself woman. :)

  9. This Sounds familiar to me - idle time is the devil's (ED) plaything!

    It's always helpful to remember that the state of recovery is fluid, it ebbs and flows and very rarely runs in a straight line - however the process itself is still recovery.

    Sending you much love sweetie, you will get through it xo

  10. This cycle happens to me ALL the time :(