Doctor's Orders

Oh my goodness. It's been a rough couple of days. This is the first time since Wednesday that I have even been able to look at a computer screen without becoming so dizzy I nearly pass out. Still not sure if I'm trying to do too much too soon.

I finally went to the doctor despite all of my reservations. He said that I had a horrible sinus infection and ear infection which caused the dizziness. He also ordered a blood test which showed that I had anemia, something I already knew. He gave me two different prescriptions, one of which (I found out after taking it three days) made the dizziness even worse. I literally thought I wasn't going to make it. Everything was spinning, without relief, constantly. When I left the clinic and went to have my prescriptions filled, I was so confused and out of it. Everything was spinning around me. All these people and sounds. It all became a blur and I wasn't sure where the pharmacist was and where I was or which direction to walk. I guess it was from having my blood drawn without eating. My boyfriend had to hold on to my arm and lead me around like an elderly person. The dizziness has increased and decreased and increased again. I am still dizzier than normal, but I'm on an antibiotic and hopefully that will fix it.

I am stressed out because I haven't been able to write or read or do homework. I can't even watch television without making the dizziness worse. Basically, I've been lying on the couch like a corpse since last Wednesday staring at drawn window blinds. As far as eating goes, I've had zero appetite and I found that was one of the side effects of the medicine. I also found while I was at the doctor's office, my eating disorder really made itself known. Something about being in that environment with the nurses, the hospital sounds, the poking and prodding, the drawing of blood, the sensation of stethoscopes and sterile floors and white paper drawn over the examination table-- something about it made my eating disorder try to come alive. When the nurse weighed me I wanted to tell her about my anorexia and that it was better if I didn't know my weight. I hadn't weighed myself in months. But my ED kept me silent. Not only did I see how much I weigh, she also called it out to me before she wrote it down on my chart. I had gained 7 lbs. Needless to say, I didn't feel great. I spent the entire time sitting in the examination room waiting for the doctor thinking about how I could lose weight. I didn't have to lose that much, but I at least had to lose those 7 lbs. That would be enough? Right? Luckily, I recognized this logic as the logic of my anorexia. I've been fooled by that trick too many times.

I'm starting to get a little dizzy from the computer so I should probably stop writing. It's also time for lunch. Appetite or no appetite, I know that it's best.