Friday, December 3, 2010

(Re) cover ed

The last few days have been a whole bunch of blah. I've been super busy finishing up with grad school. (I graduate in two weeks! Yikes!) In addition, I've been sick with the flu or maybe just a bad cold. Regardless, I've been sniffling and sneezing around my apartment feeling down in the dumpster. I've had difficulties the last few days with eating. I've had no desire to eat. It's not that I'm not hungry, and it's not that I'm consciously trying to restrict. I just don't want food. It doesn't sound appetizing.

But I've been fighting.

Appetite or not, I'm eating anyway. I'm pushing myself. It's the right thing to do. Actually, it's the only thing to do.

Starvation is not an option. It's a horrible feeling. It's a horrible word. And there's simply no place for it in my life.

There shouldn't be any place for it in your life, either.

There is, however, room for health. There is room for happiness. And there's room for hope.

Today I forced myself to eat even though I didn't really want to. I ate chocolate "ice cream". I ate chips. I ate pasta. Holy cow. I know, right? I rarely eat any of those things, let alone all of them in one day. But guess what: It didn't kill me. The world didn't stop turning. I didn't throw up. I didn't work out afterward. And I didn't gain even a pound.

Not to mention, it was yummy.

I'm so tired of being a slave to my eating disorder. The bitch doesn't own me anymore.

I have regressed, restricted, revolted, reacted, rebelled, repented, reflected, rededicated, regrouped, revamped, readjusted, refocused, reconciled, renewed, rediscovered...

and am well on my way to being



  1. Yay! I'm so proud of you(: You really showed the ED who's boss! And eating all those things in one day too, that's really amazing! The ED wanted you to restrict, and you practically slapped it in the face(: haha but that's a good thing. Keep fighting, you'll overcome this. The ED will be out of your life forever one day.

  2. This is so inspiring!!! I'm glad to read this! You're right, starvation is NO way to live.


  3. I'm so proud of you! You're so inspiring!!

    Keep fighting!!

  4. This is a very true and inspiring post! Often I don't feel like I can do what it takes, but there is no way I'm going back to my ED for comfort!!

    Like Danielle said, you just slapped ED up side the head and back down again!!

    I love the way you ended this post - VERY powerful!

    You are a victor! *hug*

  5. That was really beautiful...especially the last part.
    I just feel your uplifted spirit coursing through the innerweb.
    It is so true that we, as recovering anorexics/bulimics/etc really are not "allowed" to skip meals even when we are sick.
    Its like we are "allergic" to missing meals. It causes a reaction in us, you know?