Thursday, March 10, 2011


I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I got a new job recently. But I don't think I mentioned how bad it's been for me. The people (okay, some of them) are horrible. The pay is horrible. The hours are horrible. The job itself is horrible. Basically, there are no redeeming qualities to this position except that it is in fact a position and, not to mention, the only position that has been offered to me in response to the countless applications and resumes I've sent off out into the darkness. I know this job is only temporary. My boyfriend and I are moving again in November because of his job. This time the destination is unknown. It could be any state in the country. We won't find out where exactly until May. But even if the job is temporary, I'm not sure it's worth it. It has added so much extra stress and pressure when I already had my share of troubles to begin with. I hate complaining, but I feel like I want to quit. And I am definitely not a quitter. I'm a tolerant person. It takes a lot to push me over the edge. I've never really resigned from anything. I've always had the attitude that I can do anything. I can endure anything. Now I'm having doubts.

But there is another reason why I think this job is bad for me. Since I started working there, I've stopped eating. At least I've stopped eating the amount of food that I should be eating. I know. It's wrong. But it's time to come clean. I eat breakfast everyday. And then I skip lunch everyday. There are several days (at least two per week) in which I skip dinner too. The only days I eat what I should are my days off. Even then, I've been scheming of ways to slice off unnecessary calories. Ugh. I feel so disgusting for admitting it, but it's true. At first I blamed it on my hours. Some days I leave for work around 10 am and I don't return home until after 10 pm. Those are the days I skip dinner. Because it's too late, I tell myself. It's too late. The calories will sink right in. Can't go to sleep on a belly full of food. Sound familiar? I'd recognize that skewed perspective anywhere. Unfortunately, I've still been listening to it.

I've also been feeling very depressed lately. I understand this is all cyclical. I know it's related to not eating. When I'm sad, I don't eat. When I don't eat, I'm sad. I've also been dealing with all this family drama lately that has me heartbroken. Unfortunately, I've allowed all my negative emotions to fuel my eating disorder. And I've stood back watching my eating disorder creep back into my life without doing anything to stop it.

Wednesday morning before leaving for work I sent my boyfriend a series of texts. I said:

I can't force myself to go to work today.

It's not worth being miserable. And depressed. And ruining my body. And my mind.

Life is too short and too precious.

I went to work anyway but I was near tears all day.

Until that point my boyfriend hadn't realized I wasn't eating and the texts caught him off guard. When I get home from work at night he's already asleep. He assumes I'm eating the leftovers in the refrigerator because, well, why wouldn't I? I'm starving. But it's not that simple. Now he's worried and he thinks I should quit. Even though me quitting would mean we're broke. Again. Which terrifies me. He will be receiving a substantial pay raise in June. If I can only hang on until then.

I don't normally write posts like this. I try to be positive and uplifting. I try to see the good in everything. And I know there is good in this situation. There is a way out somehow. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Quit and be healthy but broke?

Work and be sick and miserable but have extra money?

I think I know what I need to do. I spelled it out for myself pretty clearly in the text I sent.

So why is it so hard to quit?


  1. Sounds like a horrible situation :(

    Praying for you x x

  2. Yes. Quit, be healthy and broke. What's the point of having extra money if you're not healthy enough or happy enough to enjoy it?

    Quit the job, start eating well, get happier, and you'll appreciate the little things more.

    Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. :)

  3. Quit and be broke.

    I have been in that position. I had a job that was not really good for me. I did take advantage of the job while it was taking advantage of me. If this makes sense? I did not like people I worked with and it was just putting me in a constant state of anxiety.

    Right now, I find myself in a better place even though I don't have a job and am still looking around. I volunteer to fill in time. I make my time productive by visiting my family and plan a wedding (it was a good thing we have everything saved up--thank goodness for a long engagment, eh?). But, you know what? I feel better.

    I think you've answered your own question. We all are here for you.

  4. quit and be broke. At least you do have an option so you might as well take advantage of it. I'm terrible. I skip lunch and I do my best to get out of dinner. You don't want to go down that path.

  5. Quit and be broke. I know it's hard to "give up" on something, but extra money is not worth your health and happiness. Your boyfriend sounds like he's supportive, so that's a good thing.
    Good luck and hugs!

  6. I agree with Ashley. You have indeed answered your own question. You know what you need to do. Recovery is such a slippery slope; do everything you have to in order to keep yourself in a good place. I completely understand the vicious cycle you described, as you consume less nutrients, your body (and brain) is less able to funtion appropriately. Give it the sustenance it need hun! Do whatever you can to maintain your recovery. Money doesn't matter, life does. Live it to the fullest, I have faith in you!

  7. I would quit. Your health is more important.


  8. I think your health is the most important thing of if you can't be healthy and work this job then by all means quit.

    But before you quit can you see how your thinking is very black and white? It's either quit and be healthy or remain employed and be sick. Isn't there any in between or compromise? Could you find a way to stick it out with small snacks through out the day until you can find another job to replace this one? Maybe you are not feeling well enough and quitting is the only option...but I just felt like before this you were well on your way to recovery and that you may have the tools to compromise rather then think in "all or nothing" terms.

    I hope I don't come across as harsh with my advise. I just care about you and want to see you succeed! :)

  9. I've never been a quitter type of a person either, and really this is not about quitting. It's about doing what is the best thing for you. No job is worth your health.

    Like Ashley said, maybe this will be a good time to do other things, things you enjoy, or discover something new. You could also possibly think of a temporary job until you find one that you like.

  10. I don't have any advice..I don't know your financial situation...however I would like to think that YOU are strong enough to pick yourself back up. A bad job, a streak of depression, a death in the family....we cannot let ED win despite the upsets in life.
    But yes your health comes first.

    My only advice is to KEEP your resume out there...take advantage of the sick days you have for interviews and when you get home late get a fueling snack and attack careerbuilder.

    My best hopes for you girl. I know you will do what is right. No one can tell you what to do from the internet. Ask your loved ones...they know if you will be able to bounce back and work thrugh this.

  11. Is the job worth sabotaging your health? Probably not! The added stress is causing you to turn back to your eating disorder, which in turn makes you sad and depressed. It is a cycle that is hard to break out of if you don't catch it early. I wish you the best. I know it is a hard decision to make. Keep us posted.
    Sending {{{HUGS}}}

  12. It all spirals out of control too fast. Restricting is too addictive. Misery at work + ED/health misery = double misery. Get out of both.