Health and Happiness

The last few weeks have been full of medical appointments and testing. Doctors are still trying to figure out what has been making me so dizzy. The dizziness isn't as bad as it was originally but it's still there. Since September I've been in the emergency room three times, undergone one CT scan, two x-rays, two MRIs, and multiple rounds of blood testing and they still can't tell me what's wrong with me. Every test comes back normal, which is good. But it doesn't help me figure out what's going on or how to stop it.

I'm supposed to see an ENT and a Neurologist, though I'm still waiting for my primary doctor to schedule those appointments. I also need to see an OBGYN because of ovarian cysts. One ruptured Thursday causing me yet another trip to the emergency room. I saw my primary doctor today and she told me the blood work I had done was basically normal, even my B-12 and iron levels. That is the first time in 7 years (since my eating disorder began) that everything has been normal! I credit it to good nutrition. I've been making an effort not only to eat enough, but to eat the right foods for my body's needs. I focus less on calories and more on nutrients. I choose foods with high levels of protein, iron, and B & D vitamins since those are the areas I'm generally lacking. I'm not interested in torturing my body. I'm interested in nourishing it.

I do have to admit that all of these appointments have triggered my eating disorder in some ways. For example, most of my labs required me to be fasting. That word alone triggers something deep within me, and I apologize if it triggers any of you who may be reading this. I understand that the point is to test my blood levels when nothing is in my body, but the very act of having nothing in my body brings back too many familiar sensations. It's like recovering from alcohol abuse only to be told by someone you have to drink alcohol before they can help you. Regardless, I overcame it, and I'm eating regularly.

Normally I request at doctors' offices not to be weighed or at least not to know what the scale says. With my new doctor, I was too embarrassed to ask for that, so I know my weight now. As you can imagine it stressed me out. It's better not knowing. Even though I am making steps to love myself and nurture myself and accept myself no matter what, hearing a number higher than I anticipated was like a little punch in the stomach. But it doesn't matter. For the first time in my life I'm realizing a few pounds are not going to be the end of me. Just more proof the grip anorexia once had on me is loosening and loosening.

Before long, I will shake her off completely. There is no doubt in my mind. Life without her is too good. I'm too strong, too happy, too free to go back.

I don't normally make resolutions for the new year, but this time I'm going to. Very simply, I am dedicating 2011 to health and happiness. That means doing everything I can do to be the healthiest, happiest me that I can be.

I wish the same to everyone reading this. Health and happiness.