Just when I thought I was finally starting to get better, I woke up with a migraine today. I get them from time to time, but this was seriously the single worst headache I've ever had. I couldn't do anything but lie in bed with the lights off. It finally subsided, but I'm so so dizzy. I thought I was over this. I was finally starting to feel better. It's a three day weekend so I'm driving with my boyfriend to my Mom's house one state over so I can see my family doctor. It seems like a long way to drive just for one night, but I've finished the antibiotics the doctor here prescribed me and I'm still dizzy. I'm going to have x-rays done to see what's up. I have to get this taken care of once and for all. Ugh.
As for the eating disorder, I've been really weight conscious for the last week or so. More than usual, I mean. I feel like I've gained a ton of weight. All of my clothes fit, but I don't look good in any of them. I look fat and bloated and disgusting. I can't tell if that's how I actually look or if that's how my eating disorder wants me to think that I look. Of course, my eating disorder speaks up and tells me I have to go on a diet. It sounds so tempting but I know it's not an option. I can be rational. I understand it's unreasonable and dangerous. I don't want to be sick anymore.
I love myself. I refuse to mistreat myself. I'm not turning back.
I won't have a good future if I allow it to be ruined by my past.
You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. You have to prioritize, and you can't fight an eating disorder without support and strength. You've got plenty of support and people who love you, but you also need inner physical and mental strength. Get better soon darling! I'll be sending you lots of positive energy :) You are such a wonderful person and I'm so glad I found your blog. Hang in there chica!
ReplyDeletei'm sorry to hear you see yourself like that in the mirror. i bet it really is just the stupid ED who makes you see yourself as fat. could it be that you'll soon have your period? PMS always makes me feel fat and uncomfortable but it passes after a few days :)
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great, don't go back! I'm so glad you recognized that the ED was doing that to you. It's such an awful disease! And in reality you're not fat. At all. Seriously, in god's eyes, we're all perfect. We don't need to change anything about ourselves. Hang in there, i hope you feel better.
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