Monday, September 20, 2010

Learning to breathe

I woke up today with a migraine. Thankfully, my cat let me sleep in. He usually wakes me up at 8:18 a.m. (weird, right?) by meowing and pawing and scratching at the bedroom door. Today I woke up at 10. I don't remember the last time I slept in so late. When I went out into the living room, the cat was just sitting there quietly waiting for breakfast.

As the day went on, my headache faded. I was only mildly dizzy today, so I was able to get a few things accomplished. I went on a long walk alone to clear my head and focus. Where I come from, September is rarely this warm. It felt good to be in the sunshine. I get so tired of being trapped inside my apartment.

I found a spider living on my balcony. I've known she was there for quite sometime. Everyday there are huge, crazy elaborate webs hanging all around. I saw the culprit today. Actually, there were two of them. Both were big and brown and fuzzy with white marks on their abdomens. Naturally, I began to panic. Brown recluse? Wolf spider? I don't know much about spiders except that their venom can cause serious abscesses and damage. When I worked at the hospital, tons of patients came in with spider bites. Some were very serious. One gentleman lost his entire arm because of one. I don't believe in killing any creatures, so I'm going to have to figure out a way to live with these guys. Hopefully they will stay outside and I will stay inside and we'll keep it very civil that way.

I also managed to accomplish quite a bit of writing and revision today for my final manuscript. It has to be 100 pages and I'm holding strong at 75. I had a productive day as far as eating goes, too. I had three square meals. First time I've done that in a few weeks. I am, however, trying to avoid salt. It's so hard because I crave salt all the time. It's bad for the ear condition I have, though that's causing all of this dizziness. Apparently, if you cut out salt, it allows the fluid to subside and the dizziness reduces. We'll see about that. I'd kill for a diet soda right now, but they have quite a bit of sodium. I've been drinking lots of ice tea.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I've found it really does make a difference, in recovery as well as every other aspect of life. It's hard for me to be bubbly and sunny. That's never really been my personality. I've always had a tendency to panic, over-analyze, worry, think the worst, panic, and harbor anxiety. I am learning to breathe. To pause. To relax. To smile. To laugh. To breathe again.

I still have more work to do on the manuscript before I go to sleep. I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. It's up and down at this point. All I can do is hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst just in case.


  1. good luck with your manuscript... what is it about?

  2. Sounds like you had a good day!.. I did too!(:

  3. :) I always say the same thing in my comments, but reading your blog honestly is like a fresh breath of air. it's calming and it reminds me I can keep fighting. good job babe, you are working so hard.