Monday, October 11, 2010

Enjoying the moment

So, my boyfriend is back and Boston and it's just me and the cat again. While he was in town, I still felt as sick and dizzy as ever. I decided that if I'm going to be dizzy no matter what, I may as well be dizzy inside his car or at restaurant instead of being dizzy on my couch. So we went out to dinner at my favorite vegan/vegetarian restaurant like we planned. My boyfriend isn't vegan or vegetarian, but he respects that I always have been and always will be, so he makes an effort to eat veggie meals with me. At the restaurant, we split a salad AND some delicious focaacia with marinara. For my entree I had bowtie pasta with mushrooms, snow-peas, and cauliflower. He had salmon (this restaurant always has one fish dish to cater to non-veggie eaters) with mashed potatoes and beans. We were both really full but I remembered how delicious their homemade soy ice cream is, and he really wanted a some pie, so we split a slice of vegan apple-berry pie with two scoops of soy ice cream. We were both full beyond belief, but it was so good to see him and spend time with him, not to mention getting out of this apartment for a while. Plus, the food was delicious. I didn't worry about calories or fat grams or anything else that would stifle the moment. I just enjoyed it. I'm learning to enjoy every moment.

My eating disorder cannot take that from me. Not anymore.

I've been feeling horribly dizzy again, but I'm making progress towards seeing an ENT. Since I don't have insurance and I'm a full time grad student, I'm eligible for medical assistance but there's lots of paperwork and red-tape to get through. I'm in the process of submitting an application. After that, it has to go into the review stages, and then finally (hopefully) I can get in to see the ENT. Without this medical assistance, it would cost thousands of dollars. I can't pay for that because I don't have a job. I don't have a job because I'm too dizzy to drive or to work or to do anything at all. It's all a horrible cycle. The condition they think I have is Meniere's Disease. It hasn't been confirmed yet (because I would need to have MRIs and lots of expensive tests done to confirm it that aren't possible until this application is accepted), but it's the only disease I've read about that perfectly describes all of my symptoms. I read today that not eating enough can really agitate the disease. For the last few weeks I've been struggling with food intake and I've gotten noticeably dizzier. I'm not sure if there is any correlation, but it seems like this is just one more reason to eat.

Which is what I'm going to do right now. Even though I have zero appetite. It's the right thing to do on so many levels.

On all levels, actually.

It's necessary.

I think I'll have a salad and some black-bean soup.



  1. i really hope you can get the help you need soon. chronic pain (nevermind chronic DIZZINESS!) is the absolute worst. in the meantime eating sounds like a good idea ;)

  2. Hope you get the dizziness sorted :[!