Wednesday, October 13, 2010

To get better

Six years ago I wanted to die. Today I want nothing more than to live.

As many of you know, I have been sick since May of this year and it has greatly impacted my quality of life. In fact, I'd argue it has totally destroyed it. I can't do a fraction of the things I used to do. I can't do the things I want to do. While doctors have been pointing me in the direction of a possible diagnosis, whatever it is that I have is still unconfirmed. That means I sit here all day long, scared and depressed, vulnerable and alone, thinking over my list of symptoms (that seems to be growing and growing) wondering things like, "What if it's not Meniere's Disease after all? My mom's house had all that mold upstairs. Is it mold exposure? What are those symptoms? Oh crap, I have all of those! Is it meningitis? Lead poisoning? Chinese Drywall? Diabetes?"

The list goes on and on and I'm terrified. I want nothing more than to get better. To be healthy again. That's all I want. I will never take my health for granted again. My eating disorder has taken a back burner. Is this the lesson I have to learn to kick my ED for once and for all? Do I have to get really sick and really scared just to discover how much life means to me? How precious it is? How unpredictable?

How beautiful.

How fleeting.

This is all really depressing. I've tried to stay in positive spirits, but I know this is all wearing me down. I am depressed. Who wouldn't be? I can't get off the couch some days. I can't drive or go to the grocery store. It's not a matter of feeling sorry for myself. It's a matter of being scared for myself. I might be lucky and whatever is wrong with me could be an easy fix, but it's been five months and no relief. No answers. I think about my Dad when he first found out he had cancer. I know that whatever I have doesn't even compare to that, but I wish I had been more careful and more understanding when he was sick and scared. I tried to be compassionate, as much as a twelve year old could be. I can't even imagine how terrified he must have been, but he never really let anyone see that.

Suddenly my eating disorder means nothing. It's powerless. I don't care about weight. I don't care about the size written on the tag inside my jeans. I don't care about how thick my thighs are or how many calories are in salad dressing or how many pounds I can lose before Christmas.

I just want to get better.

That's all.


  1. I am so sorry you've been suffering! I think you are totally entitled to feel a little down in the dumps after all you've been through. And this is your blog and your outlet so you should feel free to come here and vent to us!!

    I have to say that in my own personal recovery the health scares are what really snap me out of any rut I may find myself in. Recently I've had to fight off a few infections and it is because my immune system isn't quite strong enough yet after all the years of bodily abuse. Sure, I've put on the weight but it takes time for the body to truly heal and trust.

    I think that for you this health scare is just what you need to treat your body right. You know how miserable it is to not be able to fully function. You want to give yourself the opportunity to live life.

    My hope for you is that once you figure out a diagnosis for your dizziness you go full force, like never before, into true recovery. You deserve it my dear!!! You really do! :-)

  2. PS- Did you know that today is National Dessert Day?? If I lived near you I'd take you out for a nice vegan treat! So that is my challenge to yourself I tasty desert today. You deserve it!

  3. That's so great you're staying positive. I hope you figure out a diagnosis soon, I don't think it's anything bad.

  4. I don't have anything to say except that we all are here for you. I understand it is very difficult to remain in the unknown. I believe that this experience is just here to show you what is the purpose of your life and to show you that sometimes being strong is to admit that you are scared.

  5. Wow..just..ugh.
    I'm gonna pray for you, girl.
    I pray that God will work this out for good no matter what the outcome. I pray that you will be healed from this and come out the other side stronger and healthier emotionally and physically than ever before and that your life will take on new dimensions.


  6. I went through this about five years ago. I had a bunch of weird symptoms - ringing in my ears, lots of dizziness, hypercalcemia, lots of severe migraines that sent me to the emergency room on a regular basis, muscle twitching, weakness, high blood pressure with no previous history or risk factors, and unexplained weight loss (this was pre-anorexia, and in fact was what helped trigger my anorexia; long story). I was tested for every type of cancer through MRIs, ultrasounds, 24-hour urine tests and went through a slew of other tests and finally, after about a year, my doctor tested my PTH level and it was hyperparathyroidism (a disease of the parathyroids, which are inside your thyroids.) A simple blood test after about a year of hell!

    Ask them to look for uncommon things (hyperparathyroidism is pretty rare) if they can't find answers through conventional means. I am praying for you. I know exactly what you are going through; I couldn't do many of the things I used to and I kept wondering if I was going to die of cancer (my family has a history of cancer) and lose my job.

    Hang in there!