For the last two days I have been insatiably hungry. Of course everyone gets hungry. Hunger is normal. But I have been unusually hungry. In fact, I haven't had these intense urges since my bulimic days. I've had the desire to just binge, binge, binge. I have been ignoring it for the most part. Counter to that, I also have this extreme desire to restrict. It's like I'm at war with myself. Part of me wants to eat everything in sight. Part of me wants to eat nothing.
What happened to my rational self?
I know that the chances of stress triggering all of these buried eating-disordered habits are high. I've been under more stress than usual. I've been calorie counting again for the first time in three years. I started weighing myself for the first time in three years. What gives? Why now? I am still eating enough.
Today I had:
Breakfast: Coffee, Oatmeal, and a banana
Lunch: "Taco" Salad with black beans, rice, and homemade salsa.
Dinner: Vegan Mushroom Lasagna, Roasted squash, and spinach
Snack: Apples and Grapes
I'm breaking all the rules. I don't like to be specific enough to post exactly what I have eaten. I know sometimes that triggers people. Sometimes it triggers me too. I guess maybe I'm trying to convince myself that everything is okay. But it's not okay. Even if I am eating regularly, thinking this way is not okay. I don't know why I'm so concerned with food lately. It's all I'm able to think about. Normally when that happens, it's because I'm restricting and my body is really missing something. That's not the case here. I'm eating as much as I always do. Maybe I'm giving this too much thought, but I find it alarming. It's like, without realizing it, I am flirting with disaster. I'm walking a paper thin line. My eating disorder wants to push me over the edge. She wants to get through to me again. She wants to own me again. She wants to devour me again.
But there's one thing she is underestimating.
I'm not the same weak kid she destroyed six years ago.
I recognize her voice.
I know all her tricks.
I know the pain she inflicts.
My boyfriend is flying in from Boston tomorrow. He'll only be in town a couple of days, but it will be good to see him. He's already promised to take me out to my favorite Vegetarian/Vegan restaurant tomorrow night. Last time we went I even ordered dessert. And I'm ordering it tomorrow too.
And I won't feel guilty.
My eating disorder can whine all she wants.
It's mind over matter.
I don't mind so it doesn't matter.