Little things

My boyfriend's family flew back to Minnesota today and I am alone again. I thought I had gotten used to it, but having them around all week made me think otherwise. I enjoyed their company. Plus, they were distracting (in a good way). I didn't have time to think about being sick. I didn't have time to worry about my eating disorder. I didn't have time to worry about anything really. Now, against all of this silence, I can hear my thoughts swirling about. Not to mention the incessant buzzing in my left ear. The doctor told me, "That's the sound of you losing your hearing." I have to get to see that ENT quickly or this is never going away.

I am so ready to be healthy. I don't just mean as far as my eating disorder/recovery is concerned. I am ready to be healthy on all fronts. I took for granted my health and I've only realized it the last few months since I've had this extreme dizziness and inner ear trouble. I can't even do a fraction of the things I used to to, things I did even when my eating disorder was at its worst. Being dizzy sucks. I'm tired of lying on the couch. I"m tired of not being able to drive. I'm tired of the buzzing in my ears. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm on the Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair. Most of all, I'm tired of complaining.

My boyfriend's mother bought me some potted mums. I already have some miniature parade roses that my boyfriend gave me at the beginning of summer. I never thought I'd be much of a gardener. In fact, I don't know the first thing about it. But having those flowers and my cat to take care of has really helped me during all of this sickness. It's given me a reason to get up and get out of bed. If I lie in bed all day, it's not fair to the cat. He needs food. He needs fresh water. He needs someone to play with, someone to take him on the balcony and brush him while he looks at the blue jays and cardinals that fly from tree to tree. And those roses, I have to water them. Yes, they are only roses, but I'm responsible for them. Without me, they wither and die. I can't let that happen. So far they've been hanging in there since June, hanging in there as long as I have. I can't do much when I'm dizzy, but I can water the flowers. And I can appreciate them.

I can find joy in the little things-- the outline of Canadian geese shadowed against the sky in the evening, the sound of cardinals chirping from the black fence post, and my cat deciding he'd rather sit on my lap than anywhere else in this apartment.

Little things.


P.S. Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes in response to my last few posts. I appreciate that, too. <3