Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Little things

My boyfriend's family flew back to Minnesota today and I am alone again. I thought I had gotten used to it, but having them around all week made me think otherwise. I enjoyed their company. Plus, they were distracting (in a good way). I didn't have time to think about being sick. I didn't have time to worry about my eating disorder. I didn't have time to worry about anything really. Now, against all of this silence, I can hear my thoughts swirling about. Not to mention the incessant buzzing in my left ear. The doctor told me, "That's the sound of you losing your hearing." I have to get to see that ENT quickly or this is never going away.

I am so ready to be healthy. I don't just mean as far as my eating disorder/recovery is concerned. I am ready to be healthy on all fronts. I took for granted my health and I've only realized it the last few months since I've had this extreme dizziness and inner ear trouble. I can't even do a fraction of the things I used to to, things I did even when my eating disorder was at its worst. Being dizzy sucks. I'm tired of lying on the couch. I"m tired of not being able to drive. I'm tired of the buzzing in my ears. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm on the Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair. Most of all, I'm tired of complaining.

My boyfriend's mother bought me some potted mums. I already have some miniature parade roses that my boyfriend gave me at the beginning of summer. I never thought I'd be much of a gardener. In fact, I don't know the first thing about it. But having those flowers and my cat to take care of has really helped me during all of this sickness. It's given me a reason to get up and get out of bed. If I lie in bed all day, it's not fair to the cat. He needs food. He needs fresh water. He needs someone to play with, someone to take him on the balcony and brush him while he looks at the blue jays and cardinals that fly from tree to tree. And those roses, I have to water them. Yes, they are only roses, but I'm responsible for them. Without me, they wither and die. I can't let that happen. So far they've been hanging in there since June, hanging in there as long as I have. I can't do much when I'm dizzy, but I can water the flowers. And I can appreciate them.

I can find joy in the little things-- the outline of Canadian geese shadowed against the sky in the evening, the sound of cardinals chirping from the black fence post, and my cat deciding he'd rather sit on my lap than anywhere else in this apartment.

Little things.

P.S. Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes in response to my last few posts. I appreciate that, too. <3


  1. aw this sounds so hard :( I'm sorry you have to be alone, i wish i could be there to keep you company! It is so much easier to accept what's going on and just get through the day when you have other people with you. do you attend support groups? even if you don't want to do an ED related one, maybe finding a general support group would be really great. i just think you have so much to deal with that you need all the support you can get! I love reading your ed-related posts though. you say you are ready to be healthy, and i hope you get physically well very soon, but you sound so healthy mentally! please keep it up :) take care of yourself!

  2. :]
    Well done for trying to overcome anorexia!
    I noticed my recent eating habits, all the symptoms of anorexia and bulimia....and now trying to solve them before it gets worse!

  3. The little things have made some of the biggest impacts on my own recovery - taking walks outside, breathing in the fresh air, caring for a plant or working with horses. Keeping busy also helps me too - I struggle when I'm alone. In recovery, every day is a victory. You're doing great.

    Sending prayers and hugs your way!

  4. I hate to say it, but as we get older, our hearing does slowly start going away. My dad always has buzzing in his ear. I hate being alone too. Just spend time with your cat! Animals are almost healing in some sort. I know I feel better when I play with my dog.