I've been really frustrated lately because I'm gaining weight. Since I've been so sick for the last few months it has been all but impossible for me to exercise. Sometimes I can manage to do yoga or pilates if I'm really feeling well. Most days, however, I can barely walk the trash out to the dumpster without feeling like I'll faint. Today was one of those days. I tried to do yoga. Coming out of triangle pose, it felt like my head was being sucked straight down through my body and onto the floor. The room got dark. It was like standing up too fast only worse. I closed my eyes and held my head in my hands until it passed.
Later on the phone with my boyfriend, I tried to vent my frustration. I hate not being able to work out. It's not completely because of my eating disorder. I don't want to work out to lose weight; I want to work out because I want to be active. I'm tired of being sick and inactive. I want to do the things I used to do. But now, after these few months of inactivity, I've gained a few pounds. I told my boyfriend how stressed out that made me feel. I kind of snapped. I said something like,
"I REFUSE to gain more weight. It's either work out, or starve."
...
We both recognized that voice.
After a moment of silence, my boyfriend kind of panicked and went on and on and on about how messed up that was and how I absolutely would not starve. Of course he's right. Of course he is. I know that and I didn't mean to say it. It just spilled out without me even thinking about it.
I don't like feeling this desperate about my body. I hate it. It makes me remember. It makes me uncomfortable. It has to end.
I do know that my health is the most important thing. I want nothing more than to be healthy. Not sick, healthy. Not desperate, healthy. Not skinny, healthy.
Not anorexic.
Healthy.
I'll be honest and admit it. I hate gaining weight. I am at a normal weight now. I'm at a healthy weight. I've been this weight for quite some time without going up or down. Once my weight leveled off, I felt comfortable. After a while my eating disordered thoughts seemed to calm down.
I guess I'm okay being me as long as that me doesn't change.
I guess I want recovery on a conditional basis. Recovery by my rules. Recovery my way.
But guess what? It doesn't work like that.
Loving your body means loving your body no matter what.
Loving yourself means loving yourself no matter what.
Accepting yourself means accepting yourself no matter what.
No matter what size
No matter what shape
No matter what weight.
This is a great post. You have to remember that when you're thinner, your body puts so much energy into just staying alive that if you add your sickness to it, it will be really bad. Which is why we don't have periods at low weights.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've realized your mistake and learned from it. You're strong, keep the voice away! You can do it.
-Danielle
Living life under conditions is not living a life, it is a mere existance under a collection of rules that you must follow. That's not living. And I am so glad you realise that. Life is so much more than the weight you are, the size you are and the shape you are. Anorexia takes all meaning from your life and forces you to live life by these unrealistic guidelines and expectations that have to be met, 'or else'.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what weight, you are beautiful. You are you - you are loved because of the soul that is within your body, the person behind the physical form. Your body is a home, it houses the soul and the mind and the heart. A healthy body is an able body - it is able to protect the mind, the heart and the soul.
You will always be beautiful.
Because you're you.
Not a size, not a shape, not a weight.
<3
Eleanor
I understand that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI was told that I should not exercise until I am stable in my recovery (I tend to over-exercise). As I saw my weight creeping up, I had the exact same thought.....as you did.
But what I realized this time was that my weight did not define who I was. My weight did not reflect my character, dreams, goals, passions, and etc at all.
Guess what?
Your weight does not define you.
You are beautiful. You are extremely strong to deal with a condition like this on a daily basis. You are an intelligent person. Your weight has nothing to do with all that, right?
Take a deep breath.
Start anew.
I think it's important not to think in specifics with your weight now. Most people flucuate from day to day, and sometimes week to week. You can't know that in detail unless you were weighing yourself constantly. Which I hope you aren't! I know you realize that it's only a harmful habit and if you just maybe, took a break from focusing so much on the wieght, and just how you feel. Your health is important. Even before exercise and weight. You need, and want health!
ReplyDelete