Tuesday, October 5, 2010

How to break free

Autumn is unwinding. The colors of the leaves are changing. There is a certain stillness inside of me that is just now waking, a certain peacefulness. A need to breathe in the air and just be still.

I forgot what it feels like to feel.

I've been buried under the weight of my eating disorder for so many years. I've learned to become numb. I've learned to avoid people, to avoid putting myself into any situation in which I might get hurt. I've learned not to laugh or to smile.

Now I'm learning how to undo it all.

How to unravel it.

How to break free.

What is the point of life if your days are spent in misery?

It can get better. It will get better.

There is more to life than calories and fat grams.

There is more to life than being thin.

I look out at the trees and the birds and the clouds and the flowers and am reminded there are more important things than my own personal struggle.

The world does not revolve around my eating disorder.

Within the context of the world around me, my eating disorder has no power.

Whether I am fat or thin, the birds continue to fly. The flowers continue to bloom. The leaves continue to fade yellow, orange, amber. The clouds continue to sweep in. The sun continues to break through.

My eating disorder rules nothing.

I refuse to let it rule me.


  1. What a great post! You're so right, life is not worth living with an eating disorder controlling you. An eating disorder is selfish and only wants you to be thin. The world is so amazing, and if we just stop dieting and start living, we can see that. Lol sorry that was corny, but still we should!

  2. What a lovely post today! I have been struggling with the very same thing--feeling very numb to life because I am afraid of being hurt again. I am slowly realizing that sometimes it is very necessary to show feelings and be vulnerable--after all, strong people are vulnerable yet they are still viewed as strong. :)

  3. Beautiful post! Thank you!!!

    p.s. I hope you're feeling better! I've been sending healing thoughts your way!

  4. Beautiful post! I need to remember this. Thank you.