Today was a better day than I've had all week. Why? I managed to stay busy.
I was reading a book earlier in the week that gave a synopsis of Agnes Smedley's Daughter of Earth. At one point Smedley says, "There are times when...[t]o die would have been beautiful. But I belong to those who do not die for the sake of beauty."
Though this book has absolutely nothing to do with anorexia, it couldn't sum up my feelings more. At one time in my life I wanted to die. I thought I was going to die. I'm still not sure how I managed not to die. I thought then that if I starved to death it would have been somehow tragically beautiful. I thought I was a living metaphor. Food was the one thing that I needed to save me but it was the one thing that was killing me. I used to glorify my disease and I was just as guilty as everyone else who perpetuates it. But I see now that there is no glory in death by self-starvation. It is certainly tragic, but it is not tragically beautiful. I will someday die from something. But I will not die for beauty.