Sunday, July 25, 2010

“FEAR is an acronym in the English language for 'False Evidence Appearing Real'” - Neale Donald Walsch

So much progress this week. So many positive thoughts. And then I drink a glass of lemonade and my confidence in recovery starts crumbling. Yes, lemonade. Who knew?

I know that "safe foods" and "unsafe foods" vary person to person. For me specifically, all throughout my eating disorder, I have refused to drink calories. Eating them was bad enough, I certainly wasn't going to drink them too. That meant that if it wasn't water or diet soda, I wasn't drinking it. Even now that I am much much healthier and fairly far along into the recovery process, I still have that same old fear of drinking calories. I also made the mistake, after I drank the lemonade, to read the package information (it was from a bottle). I drank 250 lemonade calories.

I freaked out a little bit.

But I didn't throw up. I didn't stop eating. I didn't call myself fat or do a bunch of stomach crunches or anything irrational. I had a wonderful dinner. I am only upset, not because I drank those extra calories, but because I'm bothered by drinking those extra calories. Shouldn't I be past that by now? Even if I didn't have a physical response to the fear of calories, (which is progress) it proves that the fear of calories itself is still present inside of me when I thought that it wasn't. Why am I still worrying about those things? It's lemonade, right? Lemons, sugar, water. It isn't poison. It isn't going to kill me.

I know that, don't I?

I am going to stay positive.

At least I drank it. A year ago, I would have drank it and thrown up immediately. 2 years ago I wouldn't have drank it at all. And I wouldn't have had dinner either.

I have come a long way.

I have to remember that.

And there is no shame in admitting that maybe I still have a long way left to go.


  1. Great job!

    I have to tell you that you are not alone. I also have an issue with drinking calories.

    But we have to remember that it's just one of the obstacles that we have to overcome.


  2. Congrats! Each time you do this you free yourself a little bit more from the confines of ed and self hatred.

    Keep it up, it's SO worth it:)

    Ps- I ordered fries tonight with my meal for maybe the second time in a decade so I'm right w/ ya!!

    go us:)

    keep up the great work

  3. haha by the way I LOVE the title of this post- I posted it as my facebook status, it's brilliant.