Monday, August 9, 2010

A binge without a purge

It feels like I have eaten all day long. I woke up feeling completely ravenous. I had a good breakfast: coffee with soy milk, raisin bread toast, some blueberries, and a banana. Two hours later and I was starving again. I nibbled on pasta salad I made the day before. A few hours after that and I was still hungry. I made a little salad with all the left over veggies I happened to have in the refrigerator. All of this before dinner time. This is so not like me. When my boyfriend got home he wanted dinner. There should have been no way that I'd be hungry. But I was. So I ate some fresh corn on the cob and a little bit of sweet potato I roasted in the oven. He made a sandwich but I didn't. After dinner, I had a vegan cookie. And it's 11 pm and I just ate some pistachios and some dried cherries. I have been completely insatiable. It feels like the old binges I used to have when my bulimia was out of control. Except I didn't throw up today. I didn't even want to. I didn't even think about it.

I'm not angry at myself or upset or worried about calories. I'm no longer afraid to admit that yes, I'm human. I get hungry. Hunger is not weakness. Humans need food to survive. When I am hungry, I will eat. It's how God designed us. I'm just not sure why I was more hungry than usual? I didn't deny myself anything. And yes I ate more than I normally do, and arguably more than I needed to. But so what?

I thought maybe it was boredom. I've heard some people eat when they're bored, though that's never something I've had a problem with. I was here all alone all day. Normally that leads to me eating less, not more.

Whatever the reason, it was bizarre.

I don't feel negative. I'm not sad. I don't have a reason to be. In fact, I'm rejoicing.


Because I have accomplished so much.

I eat enough.

And I don't make myself throw up anymore.

I can't even begin to explain how mega this is.

How proud I am of myself.

I used to be proud of myself when I didn't eat.

And now it is quite the opposite.

Funny how things we think are set in stone can change so dramatically.

And funny how change can feel so good.


  1. Great job!! :)

    I gotta tell you though, that doesn't sound like a binge to me! Haha. You should see my binges.... =P

  2. i don't think this is a binge as well :)
    sounds just like one of those days where people eat a bit more than they needed but they didn't care because they like food.


  3. Oh boy, if that was a binge then I binge every day!

    What you listed doesn't sound like too much food at all. I think you did a good job of nourishing yourself and eating when you were hungry.

    Could it have been ED telling you eating normally is binging? (Hope you don't mind the challenge...I do it cuz I care!)

  4. Thanks for the comments, ladies. I think that's a possibility Rachel. I think it could also be that I typically try to eat three balanced meals a day, so eating lots of small meals throughout the day felt like binging since I was eating so frequently.

    Even when I was bulimic though (when it was at its worst) my binges were pretty small. At that point, everything I ate felt like too much and I threw up no matter what I had. No matter how much or how little.

    The important part is that I'm past all that now!