Tonight was a challenge. My eating disorder and I went head to head. And I won.
My boyfriend is out of town tonight on business and he won't be home until late. His job is feeding him (he's at a conference) so it was up to me to eat dinner (not to mention breakfast and lunch) on my own. For the last two and a half years that we have lived together, I've never been able to skip dinner because he would never let me. In the past, as soon as he (or I) would go out of town, I would revert back to my old ways and fast until he came back home. Tonight, my eating disorder made it's presence known. He's not home. It's just you and I here. You don't have to eat dinner. You don't have to eat anything. This is our chance. Skip it. Let's not eat and say we did. Then you can skip breakfast tomorrow morning too.
Thankfully, I was smart enough not to listen. It was a definite challenge because I haven't been put in this position in a while. It was very tempting to give in. It could have been what I used to call "a good day" meaning a day with no food. I realize now that there's nothing good about it. So I made myself a delicious spaghetti dinner with squash and lots of fresh vegetables. And I proved to myself that I don't need a crutch to lean on. I don't need anyone to make me eat. I can trust myself to do the right thing. I am capable.
I used to feel so guilty cooking for myself and eating alone (or eating period, but especially eating alone). I always felt like I didn't need to eat--that my body was different from everyone else's--my body didn't need food. I see now that not only did it need food, it wanted it.
I hope if anyone reading this is thinking about not eating today that you'll reconsider.
You need food. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you a failure. In fact, it makes you quite the opposite. It's okay to feed yourself. And it's okay to enjoy it.
You deserve it.